Friday smiles

Government officials recently noticed that they had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general, who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the officials to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a cheque for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked away with a cheque for $960,000. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told them, “from the index finger of my left hand to my thumb, that’s it.” They said that would be fine but “My God, where is your thumb?” The general replied, “Back in Iraq!”

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A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, and then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.” The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro. “Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup”, the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. The retiree replied, “Oh great! NOW you tell me!”

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A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

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