Funnies for Friday

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, ‘And how are we doing this morning?’

Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, ‘It seems we are a little cloudy today…’ At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drinked its contents, saying, ‘Well, I’ll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time.’

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Three old guys, all hard of hearing, were playing golf one sunny spring morning. One says to another, “Windy, isn’t it?” “No,” the second man answers, “it’s Thursday.” The third guy, listening in, pipes up, “So am I! Let’s grab a beer.”

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Two elderly ladies, Ethel and Martha, had been the best of friends for over 50 years. Over the decades they had spent together, they had worked together, lived next door to each other, and even vacationed together with their husbands. In their golden years, they would meet every afternoon to play cards.

One day, as they were wrapping up a game of pinochle, Ethel looks at Martha sheepishly and says , “Now please don’t get angry with me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t seem to remember your name! I’ve been wracking my brain for the past hour but it still escapes me. Please remind a forgetful old lady!”

Martha glares angrily at her. For five minutes, she doesn’t speak, only giving her friend stares of disappointment. Finally, Martha asks, “How soon do you need to know?”

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The Rolling Stones: “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”

The Who: “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication”

The Temptations: “Papa Got a Kidney Stone”

The Troggs: “Bald Thing”

ABBA: “Denture Queen”

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A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security benefits. After waiting in line a long time, he finally arrived at the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

Will I have to go home and come back now? he asks.

The woman says, Unbutton your shirt.

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me, and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

His wife says, You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.

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