Hearing funnies

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

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Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”

Second one says, “No, its Thursday!”

Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”

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A Mafia gang takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear conversations. However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it. The mobsters track him down, but don’t find the money on him. As none of them are able to use sign language, they bring in an interpreter.

Mobster: “Where’d you hide the money?” (Interpreter signs the question.)

The bag man signs his reply. The interpreter says, “He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him.”

Mobster: “I’m not fooling around! You better tell me where that money is!” (Interpreter again signs.)

The bag man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, “He swears he is telling the truth. He had to get rid of it.”

The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the deaf man’s eyes. “Tell me where that money is, or I’ll kill you right now!”

(Interpreter signs his statement.)

The bag man, sweating profusely, signs, “It’s inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet.”

The interpreter says, “He says he doesn’t know where it is and he doesn’t think you have the courage to pull the trigger.”

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Is it you or them?

A man goes to his Hearing Specialist and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?”. The Specialist replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?”

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?”

She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!!”

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If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

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