Jokes that make you sound smart

Enjoy this clever comedy brought to you by Reader’s Digest. Try not to let it go to your head.

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

•••

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.

•••

Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

•••

A recent survey of the entire human population found that the average person has one breast and one testicle.

•••

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”

•••

A mathematician arrives home drunk at 3am and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells, “You said you’d be home by 11.45!”
“Actually” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12”

•••

A photon is going through airport security. A security guard asks if he has any luggage.
The photon replies, “No, I’m travelling light.”

•••

A man asks God, “God, how long is one million years?”
God replies, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is one million dollars?” asks the man.
“Well, to me it’s about a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”

•••

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

•••

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician go out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells, “We got ’em!”

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Written by Liv Gardiner

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