Lawrie’s contributions

This week’s Friday Funnies come from one of our subscribers, Lawrie, who has generously sent us a few of his favourite jokes.

If you have a cracker joke up your sleeve why not email it to funny-girl Rachel so she can share the laughs around?

Poor old Paddy
Paddy goes into his local pub on Monday and his pal, Sean says, “Begorra, Paddy, where’d you get the black eye?” and Paddy replies, “You wouldn’t believe it, Sean, but yesterday in church there was a big fat woman sitting in front of me. And when we stood up to sing the psalm her dress was stuck in the crease of her backside and me, being a gentleman, leaned forward and tugged it out for her.”

“You should be more careful in future, Paddy,” says Sean. The following Monday Paddy meets Sean in the pub again and his other eye has been blacked. “What the devil has happened to you now, Paddy?” 

“Well, you just would not believe it, Sean. Yesterday in church our friend Seamus was sitting behind the same fat woman and when we stood to sing the psalm her dress was stuck there again, and Seamus, being a gentleman too leaned forward and tugged it out for her. I said to him, ‘She doesn’t like you to do that’ so I pushed it back.”

Jack and Doug
Jack says to his friend, Doug, “Doug, if you can guess how many pennies I have got in me pocket I’ll give you dem both.”

The Boss
The sergent-major was drilling his squad when he called out “Smith, get your arm straight. Don’t bend it at the elbow!”  A voice from the squad trills, “Smith’s not here today, Sir.” to which the sergent-major curtly replied, “Well the man next to him, then!”

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