New years eve jokes

2007: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2009: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2010: I will work out 3 days a week.

2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

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Dear Lord

So far this year I’ve done well.

I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

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1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil’s pets.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “Stay still.”

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.

4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, “Step right up and give it whirl!”

5. You’d rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.

6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.

7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

8. Your catch phrase is, “Never again.”

9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your new response to “Good morning,” is “SHHHHHHHHH!”

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