Pirates and brown pants

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories.
“How did you get that?” asked the sailor, pointing to the pirate’s leg.
“Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost my leg!”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said, “Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost my hand!”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, “How did you get that?”
“Aye,” the pirate said, “A bird came by and left droppings in my eye!”
“That’s not as impressive as the other two,” said the sailor.
“Aye,” the pirate answered. “It was my first day with the hook!”

•••

A cruise ship passes by a remote island and all the passengers see a man with an eyepatch running around in circles and waving his arms.
“Captain,” a passenger asks. “Who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” replies the captain. “But he goes wild every year when we pass him.”

•••

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye, matey!”

•••

What is a pirate’s greatest fear?
Termites

•••

What do you call a pirate with two arms and two legs?
A rookie.

•••

Where do you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where you left him.

•••

What did the dyslexic pirate say?
“Rrrrrrra!”

•••

What did the pirate say when he got his leg stuck in the freezer?
“Shiver me timbers!”

•••

A ship carrying treasure was returning to port when it was approached by a pirate ship.
“Captain, captain! What do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
Wearing his red shirt, the captain and his crew fought off the pirates without any casualties.
A few days later the ship was approached by two pirate ships.
“Captain, captain! What do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
The crew fought heroically and managed to defeat both pirate ships but lost many men in the process. As the crew celebrated, the first mate asked the captain why he insisted on wearing a red shirt to battle.
“It’s simple,” explained the captain. “If I am injured the blood will not show, so the crew continues to fight without fear.”
A week later the ship was approached by 12 pirate ships.
“Captain, captain! What do we do?” asked the first mate, looking expectantly at his captain.
Pale with fear, the captain replied, “First mate, bring me my brown pants!”

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