Polly’s got a cracker

A woman was walking past a pet store when she heard a parrot in the front window call out, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” Furious, she continued on her way.
The next day she walked past the pet shop, and again the parrot called out, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” Angry, she walked into the store and complained. The manager assured her that it wouldn’t happen again.
The next day she walked past the store and heard, “Hey lady!”
She walked up to the window and said, “Yes?”
“You already know!” said the parrot.

•••

A dishwasher repairman visited a home while the owner was out and was given specific instructions concerning the woman’s two pets. “The Rottweiler won’t hurt you, even though it looks fierce, but whatever you do, don’t talk to the parrot.”
The repairman let himself in and set to work. The dog just lay quietly on the carpet, but the parrot mocked him mercilessly the whole time.
“Hey fatty! Hey dumb dumb! I didn’t know they let gits like you into plumbing these days!”
Before long, the repairman had had enough. “You know, bird, you think you’re pretty smart for someone with a brain the size of a pea.”
The parrot was silent for a moment, and then, with a gleam in its eye, said, “All right. Sick ’em Rex!”

•••

Three sons grew up and left home. Each having become successful, they gathered together to discuss the presents they were able to gift their elderly mother. The first son, Milton, bragged, “I bought a big house for mother.”
The second son, Gerald, gloated, “I bought her a Mercedes.”
The third son, Donald, sat back in satisfaction and said, “I’ve beaten you both. Do you remember how mother loved to read from the Bible, but can’t see very well anymore? Well, I’ve gotten her the most remarkable parrot that can recite the entire Bible. She simply has to request a chapter and a verse, and off it goes. It took elders in the church nearly 12 years to teach him. He’s a one of a kind.”

Soon after, their mother sent them letter of thanks. “Milton,” she wrote, “the house you bought me is far too big. I only live in one room but have to clean the whole thing.”

“Gerald, my eyesight is not nearly good enough to drive these days and I spend most of my time at home.”
“Dearest Donald,” she addressed her youngest son, “I’m so glad you have the good sense to know what your mother really likes. The chicken was delicious!”

•••

A woman buys a parrot for companionship. After a week, the parrot hasn’t uttered a word, so the woman goes back to the pet store and buys it a mirror. Nothing. The next week, she brings home a little ladder, but the bird still refuses to speak. So, the week after that she returns home with a swing, only to find the parrot dying on the floor of its cage. Summoning up its last breath, the bird whispers, “Don’t they have any food at that pet store?”

•••

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot, “Now look here, I know you’re always sitting on your perch and sticking your beak in my business, but when me and my wife and I come home from the wedding I want you to turn round. No matter what you hear you’re not allowed to turn around or I’ll break your neck. Do you understand?” The parrot reluctantly agrees.
The couple return from their wedding and the parrot turns around as instructed. Behind him the bride and groom start to pack for their honeymoon. The wife has packed too much and can’t get the suitcase closed. “Get on top and sit on it, baby!” says the man. The woman does so and grunts and heaves but can’t shut the case. “You get on top baby, it might be better,” says the wife. Her husband grunts and groans and tries his best but still can’t shut the case. After a little thought the man says, “Ok we’ll both get on top see if that’s any better!”

The parrot turns around and says, “Neck or no neck, I have to see this!”

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Written by Liv Gardiner

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