Quit horsing around

A pony goes to the doctor and tells him: “Doc, I think I’m dying. I have this terrible sore throat.”
The doctor assures him: “It’s okay, you’re just a little horse.”

•••

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says: “Hey.”
The horse replies: “Buddy, you just read my mind!”

•••

A boy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.
“So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.
To the boy’s shock, the horse responds: “I’ve led a full life. I was born in the Andes where I herded for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids out here in the country.”
The boy is astounded. He asks the horse’s owner: “Why on earth would you want to get rid of
such an incredible animal?”
The owner says: “Don’t listen to him. He lies. He’s never left the farm.”

•••

A horse sits down in a movie theatre and the woman next to him asks: “Excuse me, are you a horse?”
“Why yes, I am,” replies the horse.
“What are you doing at this movie theatre?”
The horse responds: “I really liked the book.”

•••

Q: You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do?
A: Get off the carousel and sober up.

•••

Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other: “You know, before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says: “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by says: “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster.”
The first horse turns to the other and says: “Hey, a talking dog.”

•••

Q: How do you make a small fortune on horse racing?
A: Start with a large fortune.

•••

A cowboy buys a horse from the town pastor. The pastor explains: “To make the horse go, you’ve gotta yell ‘Thank God’ and to make it stop, yell ‘Hallelujah’.”

The cowboy rides off. He rides all day and starts to nod off in the saddle when he notices he is about to ride over a cliff. Searching his memory, he yells to the horse “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!”

The horse grinds to a stop just at the edge of the cliff. The cowboy wipes the sweat off his forehead. “Thank God!”

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Written by Liv Gardiner

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