Spiritual healing

Religion may be no laughing matter for some but that’s what makes it all the more funny.

1. 2 women in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.

2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.

2.

Texan Meets St Peter

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.

‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered. ‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!’

St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’

‘Just a couple of minutes ago.’

3. t

Three ministers were having lunch.

One said, “Since summer started, I’ve been having terrible problems with bats in the church belfry. I’ve tried everything but nothing scares them away”.

The second one said, “Me too, I’ve even had the belfry fumigated but they just won’t go away”.

The third one said “I was having problems but I baptised them all, made them members of the church and haven’t seen them since!”

4.t

A Nun asked her Sunday School class to write a note to God……..

Dear GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones You have? ~~Johnny

Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. ~~Nan

Dear GOD: I read the Bible. What does “beget” mean? Nobody will tell me. ~~Love, Alison

Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? ~~Norma

Dear GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? ~~Neil

Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. ~~Joyce

Dear GOD: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before You can look it up. ~~Bruce

Dear GOD: If we come back as something – Please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. ~~Denise

Dear GOD: My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they? ~~Marsha

Dear GOD: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. ~~Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD: I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. ~~Sara

5. t

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second.

6.t

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”

12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!



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