Terrific Train jokes

Three Scotsmen and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.

At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scotsmen buy only a single ticket. “How are all three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the three Englishmen.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the football match, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scotsmen on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scotsmen don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed Englishman. “Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the Scotsmen.

When they board the train the three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scotsmen leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”


A large two-engined train was crossing the north island of New Zealand. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”


One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:

“Sir. I really need you to do me a favour, I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but I’m very tired and I will fall asleep. So, what I want you to do is wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal and it is very important for me. I will pay you 100 francs to do this for me but, I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, so no matter what I say or do you have got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?” So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said, he fell asleep.

When he woke up he realised that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man. “Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you would wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn’t, so I want my money back!”

While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other men who were also in the train were looking at them. One turns to the other and says to him:

Man 1: “Look at this guy! He is mad!”

Man 2: “Yeah! He’s almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim.”

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