Friday Funnies: the fly didn’t stand a chance

Font Size:

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays, and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance. 

•••

Everybody knows that 40 is the new 30, right? But the police officer giving me a speeding ticket couldn’t be persuaded.

•••

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94 per cent are too lazy to actually read that number.

•••

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle’s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you know how old that vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy’s face lit up in relief: “Oh, good, then it wasn’t new.”

•••

Doctor: The results came in. I’m sorry but it’s terminal.
Patient: Oh, my gosh, how long do I have to live?!
Doctor: Ten.
Patient: Ten what?
Doctor: Nine.

•••

A police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

•••

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings: “Well, Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

•••

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. It’s mine, too.

•••

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later, the patient comes in for a check-up, and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” 

•••

When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

•••

Dentist: This will hurt a little.
Patient: Okay.
Dentist: I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

•••

On a mountain trip, a man falls into a crack in the rocks. His wife calls after him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah!”
“Are you hurt?”
“No!”
“Not a scratch? How come?”
“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

•••

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.
I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

If you enjoy our content, don’t keep it to yourself. Share our free eNews with your friends and encourage them to sign up.

RELATED LINKS

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Friday Funnies

Knock, knock. Who's there? A herd. A herd who? A herd it's Friday, so here's a joke!

This week’s Friday Funnies is about political jokes – in all their decadent glory.

This week's Friday Funnies is about political jokes - in all their decadent glory.

Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop laughing

Friday Funnies delivers some good old patient-doctor banter.

Written by Liv Gardiner



SPONSORED LINKS

Sign-up to the YourLifeChoices Enewsletter

continue reading

Superannuation News

Super fund recovery steps up pace

Long-term trends such as the digitisation or economies and work automation, which have been sped up by the COVID-19 pandemic,...

Finance News

Financial advisers lobby for permanent reduction in regulation

The financial services sector wants consumer protection laws watered down, claiming they are pushing the cost of financial advice beyond...

Legal & General

Is there a safe way to block estranged child from will?

Can Angie block an estranged daughter from her will without consigning her other children to a drawn-out challenge after her...

Health

How to stop gas pain

Flatulence, commonly referred to as 'farting', is caused by gas in the bowel. Ordinarily, the intestines produce between 500 and...

Chicken

Crumbed Chicken Three Ways

Discover how to make crumbed chicken with three different toppings, so you’re never short of a recipe again. Ingredients Main...

COVID-19

Over 50s to receive COVID jab earlier than expected

Australians over the age of 50 could soon receive the AstraZeneca vaccine earlier than expected after the states and territories agreed...

Lifestyle

Signs you order too much stuff online

Online shopping can be a dangerous hobby. A few absent-minded clicks on a lazy Sunday morning can empty your bank...

Food and Recipes

Vegetarian Biryani with a twist

Created by Iraqi chef Dhuha from Eat Offbeat, the New York catering company that employs refugees who have resettled in...

LOADING MORE ARTICLE...