The fly didn’t stand a chance

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays, and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance. 

•••

Everybody knows that 40 is the new 30, right? But the police officer giving me a speeding ticket couldn’t be persuaded.

•••

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94 per cent are too lazy to actually read that number.

•••

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle’s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you know how old that vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy’s face lit up in relief: “Oh, good, then it wasn’t new.”

•••

Doctor: The results came in. I’m sorry but it’s terminal.
Patient: Oh, my gosh, how long do I have to live?!
Doctor: Ten.
Patient: Ten what?
Doctor: Nine.

•••

A police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

•••

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings: “Well, Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

•••

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. It’s mine, too.

•••

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later, the patient comes in for a check-up, and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” 

•••

When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

•••

Dentist: This will hurt a little.
Patient: Okay.
Dentist: I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

•••

On a mountain trip, a man falls into a crack in the rocks. His wife calls after him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah!”
“Are you hurt?”
“No!”
“Not a scratch? How come?”
“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

•••

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.
I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

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Written by Liv Gardiner

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