Tony’s broadband

In preparation for Tony’s new, not-so-fast broadband, enjoy this list of rural Australian computer terminology in this week’s Friday Funnies.

Log-on: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

Log off: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

Monitor: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

Download: Getting the firewood off the ute.

Hard drive: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

Keyboard: Where you hang the ute keys.

Window: What you shut when the weather’s cold.

Screen: What you shut in the mozzie season.

Byte: What mozzies do.

Megabyte: What Townsville mozzies do.

Chip: A pub snack.

Microchip: What’s left in the bag after you’ve eaten the chips.

Modem: What you did to the lawns.

Laptop: Where the cat sleeps.

Software: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

Hardware: Stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart.

Mouse: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

Mainframe: What holds the shed up.

Web: What spiders make.

Website: Usually in the shed or under the verandah

Search engine: What you do when the ute won’t go.

Cursor: What you say when the ute won’t go.

Yahoo: What you say when the ute does go.

Upgrade: A steep hill.

Server: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

Mail server: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

User: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

Network: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

Internet: Where you want the fish to go.

Netscape: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

Online: Where you hang the washing.

Offline: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren’t strong enough.