A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
“How do you know that the cat was dead?” the teacher asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy. “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
•••
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: “Da-ad …”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?”
“No, you had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad!”
“WHAT?!”
“I’m thirsty. Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!”
Five minutes later: “Daaaa-aaaad!”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
•••
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out, and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”
•••
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress, and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?”
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.”
•••
Once, when I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old daughter came into the room when I was just getting ready to shower. She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!”
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.”
“I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”