X marks the spot

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a snake.

“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs 10 kilometres to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

“What did the doctor say?” the victim asks.

“He says you’re gonna die.”
 

You can’t catch me

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 20 metres in front of them. 

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first man drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second man says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”

“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first man says. “I just need to outrun you.”

Three wishes

Three men, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first man wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second man wishes the same.

The third man “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

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