Three side-splitting jokes about monkeys

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Let’s face it: monkeys are funny. They just have a way about them that brings on the laughs. So, for your first Friday Funnies of the year, here’s a trio of side-splitting simian jokes.


We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.


A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey’s human family, “Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves.”

“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the family.

“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the vet.

All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, “Why the difference in price between male and female brains?”

“Standard pricing practice,” said the vet. “The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!”


A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the Bush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”

“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

“Yes,” nodded the monkey.

“What else?” asked the officer.

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

“They were smoking marijuana too?” said the officer.

“Yes,” nodded the monkey.

“What else?” queried the officer.

The monkey motioned with his fingers…

“Having sex! They were having sex, too!?” asked the astounded officer.

“Yes,” nodded the monkey.

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?”

“Yes,” the monkey nodded.

“What were you doing during all this?” asked the officer.

“Driving,” motioned the monkey.

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Total Comments: 6
  1. 0

    LOL very good I actually laughed at this one

  2. 0

    The jokes are fine but can you please not post photos of apes or monkeys being used in unnatural ways as it is upsetting to those of us who respect other species’ rights. Chimpanzees and other great apes used for entertainment are usually torn away from their mothers shortly after birth—a traumatic experience that often results in neurotic and sometimes self-injurious behavior that can persist into adulthood. Eyewitness investigations have revealed that physical abuse of chimpanzees is standard practice in the entertainment industry. In fact, what might look like a smile displayed by chimpanzees on greeting cards is actually a grimace of fear—not an expression of joy, as the public is misled to believe.

  3. 0

    In the town of West Hartlepool in County Durham, during the Napoleonic wars a French ship was wrecked off the coast and the only survivor was a monkey dressed in a sailor suit. As the locals couldn’t understand what it was saying they assumed it was a French sailor so the hung him.
    Fifty years ago you could start a fight in a pub in West Hartlepool by shouting out “who hung the monkey”?

  4. 0

    I’ve heard this joke, but the last line had the monkey motioning driving but also with his neck twisted around (to see the action in the back seat), which is why he crashed. He wasn’t watching the road!

  5. 0

    “He shook his head up and down”. That in itself is a joke. I suppose the ‘t other siders nod left to right?

    • 0

      Ha ha ha. He’s a pretty clever monkey, really. He can understand English, drive and appreciate the foibles and follies of humans! Mind you, he was driving like a maniac, swinging the steering wheel from side to side like a three year old.



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