Three side-splitting jokes about monkeys

Font Size:

Let’s face it: monkeys are funny. They just have a way about them that brings on the laughs. So, for your first Friday Funnies of the year, here’s a trio of side-splitting simian jokes.

•••

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

•••

A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey’s human family, “Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves.”

“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the family.

“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the vet.

All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, “Why the difference in price between male and female brains?”

“Standard pricing practice,” said the vet. “The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!”

•••

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the Bush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”

“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

“Yes,” nodded the monkey.

“What else?” asked the officer.

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

“They were smoking marijuana too?” said the officer.

“Yes,” nodded the monkey.

“What else?” queried the officer.

The monkey motioned with his fingers…

“Having sex! They were having sex, too!?” asked the astounded officer.

“Yes,” nodded the monkey.

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?”

“Yes,” the monkey nodded.

“What were you doing during all this?” asked the officer.

“Driving,” motioned the monkey.

Join YourLifeChoices today
and get this free eBook!

Join
By joining YourLifeChoices you consent that you have read and agree to our Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

RELATED LINKS

The brass monkey

The origin of the term ‘freezing the balls off a brass monkey'

Car jokes to shift your mood

Some car-related funnies to clutch at your funny bone and drive you crazy.

Pet jokes

These pet jokes will have you chuckling.

Written by Leon Della Bosca

6 Comments

Total Comments: 6
  1. 0
    0

    LOL very good I actually laughed at this one

  2. 0
    0

    The jokes are fine but can you please not post photos of apes or monkeys being used in unnatural ways as it is upsetting to those of us who respect other species’ rights. Chimpanzees and other great apes used for entertainment are usually torn away from their mothers shortly after birth—a traumatic experience that often results in neurotic and sometimes self-injurious behavior that can persist into adulthood. Eyewitness investigations have revealed that physical abuse of chimpanzees is standard practice in the entertainment industry. In fact, what might look like a smile displayed by chimpanzees on greeting cards is actually a grimace of fear—not an expression of joy, as the public is misled to believe.

  3. 0
    0

    In the town of West Hartlepool in County Durham, during the Napoleonic wars a French ship was wrecked off the coast and the only survivor was a monkey dressed in a sailor suit. As the locals couldn’t understand what it was saying they assumed it was a French sailor so the hung him.
    Fifty years ago you could start a fight in a pub in West Hartlepool by shouting out “who hung the monkey”?

  4. 0
    0

    I’ve heard this joke, but the last line had the monkey motioning driving but also with his neck twisted around (to see the action in the back seat), which is why he crashed. He wasn’t watching the road!

  5. 0
    0

    “He shook his head up and down”. That in itself is a joke. I suppose the ‘t other siders nod left to right?

    • 0
      0

      Ha ha ha. He’s a pretty clever monkey, really. He can understand English, drive and appreciate the foibles and follies of humans! Mind you, he was driving like a maniac, swinging the steering wheel from side to side like a three year old.


FACEBOOK COMMENTS



SPONSORED LINKS

continue reading

Destinations

Max Williams experiences the magic of Lake Mungo

I gaze in wonder at the small bone fragments I am holding. Most likely they are part of a Murray...

Travel News

WA opens borders – but not to everyone

After hard lockdowns, travellers from New South Wales and Victoria have been granted quarantine free access to Western Australia. As...

COVID-19

Home quarantine off the table – for now, says Dan Andrews

Victoria will accept overseas travellers from 7 December. And while there was hope that returning travellers to Melbourne could do...

Christmas

Adelaide family returns home to find koala perched on Christmas tree i

An Adelaide Hills family has returned to their home after a short outing to find a koala perched on the...

Australia

Best Christmas markets 2020

It's no surprise that Christmas markets will be operating differently this year, and sadly many of the country's favourites won't...

Australia

Bushwalking for beginners

Bushwalking is one of life's simple pleasures, an environmentally-friendly means of enjoying natural and cultural wonders which exercises you, yet...

Travel Q&A

Travel SOS: All you need to know about flexible travel

Susan is starting to feel comfortable about booking travel, but wants the new rules explained. --- Q. SusanI thought it...

Self-drive holidays

Planning a road trip in a pandemic?

Thea van de Mortel, Griffith University As restrictions ease around the country and the prospect of travel beckons, many of...

LOADING MORE ARTICLE...