Some of these jokes, unlike us, never age

You can bank on it

An old lady in the bank asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

•••

Cutting edge

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while, $20 would fall out on to the footpath. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is right next to a golf course.

A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

“Then I thought, ‘Why not make the best of it?

“So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

“Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘OK mate! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!

“Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

•••

Duck and dive

An elderly woman brought a limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said: “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said: “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 per cent certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

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