The pure bread dog

Join us this Friday to indulge in some silly two liners from all across the joke universe. 

My teacher told me I would never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!”

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I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

•••

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.

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Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sure!
Sorry, I’m still working on it.

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When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?
When it becomes apparent.

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I took the shell off my racing snail, hoping he would go faster.
But if anything, it just made him sluggish.

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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!

•••

Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he neverlands.
(I love this joke; it never grows old.)

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How to you measure a snake?
In inches, they don’t have feet.

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What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.

•••

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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What do you get if you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac and an agnostic?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if they’re a dog.

•••

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”
DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”
McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

•••

What do we want?
Low flying aeroplane noises!
And when do we want them?
Nnnnnneeeeeeeeooooooooowwwwww!

•••

I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s really difficult to tell if people are interested.

Do you prefer your jokes silly or stern? What are your favourite jokes?

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Related articles:
https://www.yourlifechoices.com.au/fun/entertainment/jokes-for-smart-people
https://www.yourlifechoices.com.au/fun/entertainment/gardening-gags
https://www.yourlifechoices.com.au/fun/entertainment/friday-funnies-cold-comedy

Written by Liv Gardiner

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