Friday Funnies: Workplace banter

As we take some time – temporary or permanent – away from work, it’s a good time to look back on the madness of the workplace and have a laugh.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man replies, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

Being an astronaut is funny. It’s the only job where you get fired before you start work.

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. “Oh, damn it,” he proclaims, “Some asshole has my pen!”

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.”
“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an army base, the drill sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.” As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”

What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into her office?
“I can clearly see you’re nuts …”

An employee tells his boss, “I bet you $6000 I can piss into your cup from 30 metres away.”
“Okay I would like to see you try,” replies the boss.
The employee proceeds to piss all over the floor, losing $6000 and not caring.
“Ha! You just lost $6000!” says the boss.
From the doorway they hear the secretary yell, “God damn it!”
“What’s wrong?” asks the boss.
The secretary replied, “He bet me $100,000 he could piss all over your floor and you would be happy about it!”

What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It’s no good trying to outrun it. It’s catching up!”
The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I’m not trying to outrun the lion, I’m trying to outrun you!”

Do you have any favourite workplace jokes? Share them with other readers in the comment section below.

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Written by Liv Gardiner