How to tell hubby he’s a bore – nicely

Dr Emmanuella tells Narelle how to have a ‘difficult conversation’ with her husband.

How to tell hubby he’s a bore – nicely

Nobody enjoys a difficult conversation, but YourLifeChoices member Narelle needs to have one with her husband. Clinical psychologist Dr Emmanuella Murray explains how she should proceed.

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Q. Narelle

My husband thinks all his problems are everyone else’s fault and when I try to tell him he gets upset. He’s always trying to blame others for his troubles, but many times I think it might actually be his fault or his inability to compromise. He doesn’t learn from his mistakes. He tries to change everyone around him but doesn’t really do enough to grow or change himself. He doesn’t see things from other people’s points of view. I love him, but how do I get him to realise he needs to change? 

A. Narelle, you poor thing. It can be hard when you love someone and they’re unaware of their behaviour and how it affects others.

When people blame others, it can sometimes be a defence mechanism, learnt when they were younger. It can make them feel better because they have placed blame elsewhere, and it can also be a clear sign that they are struggling to deal with their own emotions.

I’m sure you have tried to tell him, and others probably have too, but I wonder how people have approached him.

Narelle, you need to have an open and honest conversation with him about how you are feeling and for him to understand the impact of what he’s been doing.

Equally, your husband needs to feel heard, because if he is met with a defensive reaction, it’s likely he will get upset.

When you want someone to see your point of view, it’s good to show them that you understand theirs first. In other words, start your conversation by saying: “From what I understand, this is what you’re thinking/feeling …” then when he agrees, you can explain how it is for you. People are always more able to hear what you say when you show empathy first.

I really hope that your husband realises how much you love him and how much you want him to be happy. Relationships are not easy, Narelle, and often we must have the difficult conversations to help a relationship grow.

Are you good at the difficult conversations? What’s your technique?

Dr Emmanuella Murray is a clinical psychologist who has been practising for more than 10 years. She works with children, adolescents, adults and couples, and presents to professionals and community groups. Go to her website for more information.

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    COMMENTS

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    22nd Oct 2019
    10:44am
    This is just sexist. I imagine there are plenty of wives who bore their husbands senseless with their vacuous chit-chat and gossip.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    11:46am
    It can work both ways for sure. The sexes are different and that does not change when getting older.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    1:33pm
    With her sexism Emanuella needs to see a Psychologist. No, make that all women need to take that action.It is endemic in the present day, embedded in our Society..
    Jenny
    22nd Oct 2019
    2:49pm
    I think you are taking this question the wrong way. Anyone male or female who constantly blames others for things that are wrong in their life are not accepting responsibility for their own situation. And they can become boring because their conversation becomes very limited
    Jenny
    22nd Oct 2019
    3:01pm
    And yes, I know some women who are deadly boring too, always rambling on about the disappointments in their lives and doing nothing themselves to fix things, because it's someone else's fault.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    3:35pm
    The only point being Jenny, is that the public point for any such issues, make that any issues, is the male as the subject defaulter.

    It IS time for a change, and female acco8untability, which is non existent. Why isn't the article gender neutral.

    22nd Oct 2019
    1:29pm
    Well here we go again. The HUSBAND is a bore. Not game for any article that articulates -'tell wife she's a bore". that would not conform with present day Society.

    The real BORE is that the premise just conforms that men are the default in our Society. The article would no doubt confirm to too many more women that it is the husband at fault as usual.

    Absolute discrimination. And as is embedded in our Society.

    I wonder how respect can be generated from the outfall from the endorsed sexism.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    5:32pm
    Heard John Laws this morning (not my everyday thing, but ... on the way from dropping the ex off at her art class, where the ladies all love me)... discussing young people and how they are often so heavily criticised these days - he said most of them youngies are pretty nice... well ... it might be a surprise to many, women and the young, with all the vitriol flying through the air, that most old White men - l'ennemi ancien et de jour - are actually very nice people, too...

    .. and historically most of them never got into medicine or law, either - but they sure got into the heavy, dirty, dangerous industrial jobs and the front lines in wars.... where women were not allowed.. oh, dear...

    I thought men got universal male suffrage in 1896, and women at Federation... men voted that in, BTW - filthy chauvinsts - my grandmother had the vote before my grandfather - who was younger than she was...
    Triss
    22nd Oct 2019
    2:15pm
    Just take a breath, chaps, and tell yourselves that after all the indignities and inequalities women have been subjected to over the years it’s their turn in the sun. The pendulum will swing back again, it always does.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    2:42pm
    List the indignities and inequalities that women have suffered. Overall women have historically been given special treatment.

    The initial poor example of women being discriminated against is in the era of one income families. It was men who were discriminate3d against because men had to learn the family income. Women didn't work because they had the choice to stay at home. Men had no choice. They were also denied the contact with children that most fathers regretted. We of course also have deaths in World Wars and other wars, by men, for protection of their wives and children.

    Today we have an education framework that intentionally advantages girls with University entry favouring girls at 60%, with boys at 40%. We have a Family Court run by women for women. We have work appointment based on gender quotas that requires a man to have 20% better credentials to achieve appointment over a woman.

    And we have brainwashed women, 52% of the population, who accept the falsifications to give women the total domination of all aspects of our Society. Any man who challenges the opinion and Social framework is labelled sexist, and his viewpoint dismissed.

    In the past there may have been some outcomes that were NOT instigated with intention. A scurrilous example of our present day Society.

    'Their turn in the sun' ? More like the enjoyment implanting pain on others. Sadism with entitlement and satisfaction of enjoying pain and disadvantage to others. Identity politics with white men as the ONLY identity group available to be subject to continual disadvantage and sexism, or any other kind of 'ism' or 'ist'.

    The 'pendulum will swing back again', is a poor form of definition for justifying discrimination. Endorsed discrimination. .
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    2:50pm
    Islam - be all you can be - a subservient, hidden wife and mother...

    Feminism - be all you can be, then take everything else...

    Sadly, all that you say is true, Ray - women are 60%+ of uni entrants yet still screech 'we're a minority'... and far too many organisations seem to feel they must hand a woman the top spot or they'll be called out as 'sexist'.. look at NSW Labor and Queensland Labor these days....time for some sanity to be re-injected before the final downfall of the West.
    Jenny
    22nd Oct 2019
    2:58pm
    Ray, I don't profess to know what your experience of women has been, but I have to hazard a guess and say it must have been pretty bad to have left you with such a jaundiced view of the female population,. Please take my word for it, that we are not all grasping, thankless, sadistic trolls. Many of us are really very nice to know, and don't indulge in man-bashing, but actually like men as a species.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    3:40pm
    Hollow Jenny. And all experiences with women are poor as women are totally self centred. And all women will use their legislated preference when it comes to themselves. Women will not accept any challenge to their relentless preference identity, because they can use it themselves.
    Triss
    22nd Oct 2019
    3:55pm
    I did say "over the years", Ray, not "today". Remember that married women were not allowed to own property, vote, enter parliament, enter university to train for law, medicine, etc. Those inequalities were bound to cause friction and they have.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    4:06pm
    Triss, women promote such invented anomalies without challenge. Women were allowed to own property it is more accurate to say that property of a married couple was in the male name because he was responsible for earning the income to pay for it. No choice. the women got the vote in 1906 - 4 years after men when we achieved Federation outcomes in that year 1902. Women could always enter Parliament under Federation but took time to implement and less time to blame the other 48%. Women always entered University. There never was a law saying 'no'. Least of all Law and Medicine. Your supposed inequalities, of convenience, HAVE developed acceptable hatred and revenge rather than friction. And thanks for the admission of friction. The friction is hatred and contempt . In fact BORING.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    4:25pm
    Triss and Jenny need to read Dr Warren Farrell's book "The Myth of Male Power". The 'downtrodden female' is a myth: men have always done the dirtiest and most dangerous jobs.
    Jennie
    22nd Oct 2019
    2:21pm
    "Bore" is probably the wrong word. If this man blames everyone else for his mistakes then he is likely to be a narcissist. Narcissists are not able to change or realise they need to, as that is part of the condition. Narcissists can of course be male or female.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    2:24pm
    Well no doubt this man is guilty. In today's Society of course, for men, that is until proven innocent.
    Jennie
    22nd Oct 2019
    2:58pm
    Note that I said, "Narcissists can of course be male or female." No sexism from me.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    3:57pm
    Jennie, but in today's culture men are guilty until proven innocent. While women are the 'protected species' - not guilty, regardless of evidence. Even if convicted, no time in jail.

    It is an example of women being the 'bore'. Never wrong, never guilty, and never accountable. And freedom of exhibiting hatred and

    The worst part though is an intentionally favoured education framework in favour of women. But in today's media we refer to amendment of the education system in many items. The one exemption is no identification of the unfairly tainted outcomes featuring female dominance of University entrance. Why not addressed. It would be if the outcomes were in gender reverse.

    Please think of the world and Society our grandsons are entering. Gutless politicians do not have the internal fortitude to say so, under the universal threat of being labelled 'sexist'. Yet it is OK for women to use sexism endorsed as a weapon. A relief for sadism.

    Easy example Jennie is "If this man blames everyone else for his mistakes then he is likely to be a narcissist". Why is this comment not gender neutral.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    4:29pm
    And Jennie if we need another example of the 'boring' double standards, lets example the failing of the Rugby Union Wallabies in the World Cup.

    The male Board members are targetted for replacement . Raelene Castle the female CEO escapes accountability with no pressure to resign. A protected species example. Once again boring recepetitiveness. just like our female Premier in QLD, female Vice Premie in QLD. Female Opposition Leader in QLD, Female Lord Mayor of Brisbane, Female Premier of NSW, Female Opposition leader in NSW. Female Lord Mayor of Sydney. oh that's right 'equality'.
    Jennie
    22nd Oct 2019
    4:50pm
    I was not commenting on the sexist nature of the article, so no need to debate. I was only interested in the possible nature of narcissism which I will say again can be shown by BOTH women and men. I know narcissists of both sexes and they are not so much boring as dangerous.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    4:55pm
    I WAS commenting on the sexist nature of the article. Make that of 'Society'.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    5:01pm
    And Jennie in typical female form of innocence you were commenting " if this man blames everyone else for his mistakes then he is likely to be a narcissist". So your comment is sexist.
    Jennie
    22nd Oct 2019
    5:06pm
    Oh for goodness sake. You are commenting in the wrong string Ray. If this article had been about a woman I would have written, " if this woman blames everyone else for her mistakes then she is likely to be a narcissist". I know the article is sexist.
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    5:12pm
    Well I do not think it is the wrong string. It is embedded in our Culture and Society. 'If the article had been about a woman'??? Well there was no chance of that. Would never pass the editor's desk.

    22nd Oct 2019
    2:46pm
    Does she do a double feature on how to tell your wife she's a bore? Or is this the common garden variety 'all men are silly' rubbish so prevalent in 'social science' these days?

    BTW - never met a shrink or spikeologist I thought actually lived in the real world.... they live instead in a world filled with assumptions, beliefs, and Delphic Oracle hand-me-downs... and unless you fit into a tidy little box, they call you something bad, without any foundation at all.

    Good thing the Supreme Court holds that the opinion of an 'expert' must be supported by facts..... I've seen some doozies of 'opinions' without substance - but they'll stand by them to the death despite overwhelming facts to the contrary...

    22nd Oct 2019
    5:27pm
    Well - on another forum I toasted a 'female' contributor - for her repeated use of the term 'old White men' ... borrowed from the lovely Greta...

    That ageism, racism and sexism all in one - and is acceptable fare for those on the 'right' side - the supporters of anything that opposes what they have now courtesy of White men - young and old......

    Sorry 'bout that ...

    No wonder people are no longer buying :Labor's feminist ideas and concepts - many a grandmother is angry over her grandson not getting a fair shake, but being required to do all the heavy lifting....

    It's time for you all to wake up and learn what Equality is really all about... it sure ain't preference for some endlessly ...
    Anonymous
    22nd Oct 2019
    6:11pm
    The concern for grandsons is warranted. But hey that would be balance in life. Can the women tell me what those of grandson age did for invoked, submissive and subordinate identity. And people rave about Democracy. It has reverse application of abhorred practices and ideals of other cultures
    MICK
    22nd Oct 2019
    9:32pm
    "Narelle, you poor thing."
    When a conversation starts like that its the mutual admiration club about to convene.
    I imagine Narelle is a real handful and Dr. Emanuella is a fake name because the person concerned wished to remain anonymous.

    I like real women but hate feminist man haters who look to degrade men to bolster their egos. Did I use the word blond? Maybe not.
    Anonymous
    23rd Oct 2019
    2:04am
    My sentiments precisely - I've advocated with companies I've worked with that they employ women as supervisors etc and have always promoted the absolute right of women to be equal in treatment in work etc and for their rights to be protected by society upheld, and I take up the cudgels instantly in any case where a woman is abused of injured in any way .... yet I despise feminism with a vengeance... and am labeled as a woman-hater constantly for pointing this out...

    I loathe feminism as a self-interested, selfish, uncaring, brutal and plainly psychopathic movement based on the insane utterances of a few mentally ill persons, that is destroying my nation and culture... but I stand for real Equal Rights of women and all others 100% - just not for what passes for rights...

    I think that about covers it....


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