Should I go behind her back and have sex with someone else?

George can’t stop thinking about having sex with someone else.

Man caught out

While George’s love life is satisfactory, he can’t stop thinking about having sex with someone else, so relationship expert Jo Lamble helps him address the issue.

Q. George

After being with my wife for 20 years I find myself thinking more and more about having sex with someone other than her. Our sex life has always been satisfactory, though not setting the sheets on fire. I’ve broached the subject of trying something new and have even lightheartedly mentioned having an open relationship but she just looked at me as though I had two horns! I don't want to do anything that will break up my marriage but I do feel I’m becoming a little obsessive about the idea – I’ve even started to flick through Tinder. Should I just accept the sex life that I have or take the chance and hope my wife doesn't find out?

A. It’s very normal to fantasise about sex with someone new. It would be rare for a couple in a 20-plus year relationship to be regularly setting the sheets on fire. An open relationship involving other sexual partners, and in which only one person is happy, is not going to last. You could take the chance and meet up with other women behind your wife’s back, but make sure your eyes are wide open. These days, more people get caught cheating because of mobile phones and computers, and those who don’t get caught often find it difficult to live with the guilt. Think about what you’re putting at risk. If you love your wife and want to stay in your marriage, isn’t it worth thinking of other ways to address the issue?

When tackling mismatched libidos or differing sexual tastes, it’s important not to lay blame on one person. In other words, don’t make your wife feel like she has a problem. Rather, ask her what turns her on and invite suggestions as to what you could do for her. Be warned that she might instead ask for help around the house or watching TV together or something else that has nothing to do with sex. Ask her what turns her off and try not to take anything she says personally. The idea is that you keep sex and intimacy on the agenda by having lots of lighthearted but open conversations about how to stay physically connected. If your wife doesn’t feel judged or criticised, you might discover a lot more about her, which should benefit you both.



    To make a comment, please register or login
    29th Mar 2017
    A difficult question when one party is unable to have sex.
    29th Mar 2017
    Which is not the case here.

    29th Mar 2017
    One important issue that was not discussed in this article and that is the declining libido due to hormone deficiencies. I've done some research on the internet and followed some talks on by experts in the USA. As we age hormone levels decline for a number of reasons. There are clinics in the states where you and your partner can have all your hormone levels checked scientifically. The doctors then prescribe bio-identical hormone replacement where required. Follow up visits ensure the levels are correct and adjusted if required.
    Apparently the results are truly amazing because the libido and all associated functions can return the body to a stage equivalent to that of a 25 year old. I wish Australia could catch up a little because this is the closest thing to the fountain of youth. This is an alternative to "growing old gracefully" which until now was the accepted norm. I believe HRT as it is prescribed at present is somewhat of an empirical treatment which does not take into account the complex interaction of all the hormones in the human body. You can follow the subject of bio-identical hormones on
    29th Mar 2017
    " I’ve broached the subject of trying something new and have even lightheartedly mentioned having an open relationship but she just looked at me as though I had two horns!" And John is surprised by that?

    As far as I can see 'John' is going through a mid life crisis and instead of buying a red sports car, is trying to recreate his days of singledom. Continue on this road and his single days will be back with him shortly.
    29th Mar 2017
    with a lot less cash to spend on that red sports car !
    29th Mar 2017
    You have a sex life within your marriage so there is no debilitating illness interfering with sex, no apparent hormone deficiency nor any other reason for an affair other than your "obsessive" fantasies.

    So sure thing! Go behind your loyal, faithful wife's back and have a grubby secretive little fling.

    Take a chance of 1.breaking your wife's heart, 2. maybe giving her an STD as reward for the years of being by your side, 3. of breaking up your family too, and 4. possibly being partially responsible for breaking another man's heart and his marriage and his family in the process. 5. Take a chance on losing many of your friends, and certainly the respect of a many people who are important in your life including your own children.

    Let's get real people, someone needs to tell it like it is. I am sure I speak for many betrayed women whose families are split and broken, who have given years and years of heir lives backing up their men, creating warm and loving homes, holding things together and who end up struggling to make ends meet, trying to deal with children whose world has been turned upside down and trying to make sense of the unfair but overwhelming feeling of failure and rejection.

    I speak for women left too frightened of a repeat performance from another partner to get involved again and enjoy what should be respectful, caring love and companionship.

    Yes, go ahead, act out your fantasies if you will, but consider finding yourself possibly rejected finally too, living on your own and trying to cope.
    29th Mar 2017
    I agree with you Maggie
    You have pointed out all the horrible consequences of messing up a long term marriage.
    BTW - I'm not the same John as the one who has this fantasy about an affair.
    Barbara Mathieson
    29th Mar 2017
    Well, divorce is costly, but you would at least be single and wouldn't have to ask this question any more!
    29th Mar 2017
    Grass is greener and all that. Time to grow up and appreciate what you have methinks .
    As Maggie says so well is it really worth the risk of losing everything for a fantasy ? Tha novelty is likely to wear off eventually in a sexual fling and meanwhile that good strong relationship with your wife is irretrievably distroyed
    Weigh it up and grow up
    29th Mar 2017
    A response for Barbara: you might you know, if you were going to mess about with someone else's partner! It always takes two to tango.
    30th Mar 2017
    Very very bad idea! Definitely not worth the risk.

    3rd Aug 2017
    Go for it
    You only live once
    4th Aug 2017
    George, you say that you love your wife. Presumably you also believe that she loves you.
    I would like you to seriously use your imagination for a while. Try as hard as you can to imagine discovering that your wife has secretly been having regular sex with another man for the past few months. Think about her buying new sexy underwear just for his enjoyment, preening herself when getting ready to meet him, lying to you in order to get time to spend with her lover, the secret conversations between them about how they feel about each other, her yearning for their next "meeting", and everything else that an affair entails. How does all that make you feel?
    Then you will understand how hurt she (whom you say you love) will feel if you go ahead and then when your secret affair is eventually discovered (and it will be!).
    Not to mention the shame, embarrassment and regret you will experience when your family and friends learn of your infidelity.
    Is it worth it? I guess that depends on how much you really love your wife!
    4th Aug 2017
    Relationship counseling would be a good option. Talking with partner is always the obvious solution. Communication is the key

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