Unrequited love

Jude remained close with her best friend’s husband after her best friend passed away.

Unrequited love
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Jude remained close with her best friend’s husband after her best friend passed away two years ago. Should she reveal the extent of her feelings by telling him she loves him?

Q. Jude
I’ve been in love with my friend’s husband from the day we all met, but the two of them hit it off and soon became a couple. I have never married and have always been part of their family. My friend sadly died two years ago and her husband and I have remained close. Should I tell him how I feel? I’m worried his family would react badly if they knew how I felt.

A. Unrequited love is so difficult. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been to be part of this couple’s family given how you feel about your friend’s husband. Obviously everyone is still grieving the loss of your friend, including you. I’d advise you to take things very slowly. Two years is not a long time when it comes to grief. You can remain close to this man and see what develops over time. He will no doubt love having you around and companionship is often a wonderful basis on which to build an intimate relationship. Telling him too early that you have always loved him may overwhelm him and could certainly upset his family. If your relationship deepens over time, you can tell him down the track – when he is stronger. That way, the truth will be a nice surprise rather than something that is too much to deal with.


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    21st Nov 2013
    ...most people I have known - heard about ( friends of friends ) - celebrities both here in Australia and o/seas.........are in relationships as early as 6 months and re-married in two years !! Mind you the majority of these statistics are men....people have a misconception of a "correct mourning period" ......it is siblings that cannot handle a quick relationship after the passing of a parent!

    My father (still alive - unfortunately!) met and married a total stranger 6 months after my Mother's death - we (3 girls) despised him for it and totally erased "him" from our lives! We didn't even get a treasured possession that Mum still had in the house (little gifts we had all given her over the years etc.) things we would have loved to have as a memory of Mum - photographs - nothing! It affected my younger sister (59 years of age - and residing in Canada now) - so badly she had "therapy" for years and still is angered to this day.......this can be an emotional mine-field for many - be careful the path you choose....
    22nd Nov 2013
    Siblings can't seem to handle anything, at 57, when I believed it was all over red rover, a man 9 1/2 years older than me took a fancy to me & convinced me we should date. It was strange & nice, like being young again but conscious this time.
    You should have seen how badly my 5 adult children took it - especially the girls. It was disgusting behavior. I saw them for what they really are self centered - self serving brats.
    22nd Nov 2013
    He was a barrister with 2 adult kids who were just as bad as my brats.
    Di Bendigo
    21st Nov 2013
    I agree with Jo, Jude. You are an integral part of this man's memories of his wife. If he has made no sign in those two years that you are any more than a long-term good friend of the family, overwhelming him with a declaration of love could make him step right back. He may feel disloyal to his wife by entertaining anything other than a friendship with you. You've had the torment of unrequited love for too long, especially if he's never said anything to keep your torch alight. Imagine if the roles were reversed; how would you feel? This man may feel really awkward with you from then on and may even pull right out of the friendship.

    I think your ship might have sailed and left you on shore when those two got together. It must be hard to let go of a dream after so long. Seeking out new activities where you can become excited by learning new things and meeting others is one positive step you can take. Grab the wheel and steer the ship of your life, Jude, instead of waiting for something that may never happen.
    21st Nov 2013
    I think I would not wait, he may meet someone else, there is nothing wrong with telling him you have feelings for him and since his family have known you all these years they probably like/love you and will accept this coupling, why waste any more of your life, you have to at least try if he does not have those feeling for you then you know at least you tried, do not get to the end of your life and say "what if" I wish you every happiness and hope he has love for you too! Do not wast another minute, it's your chance, your time. Good luck to you.
    22nd Nov 2013
    You only live once - just be careful because men usually like to do the chasing.
    22nd Nov 2013
    I have made it very clear to my dearly beloved, that should I predecease him, if he should meet someone and fall in love, then "go for it'! I could think of nothing worse for a widow or widower to live out the rest of their life alone, sad and worrying about family reaction! A new relationship can never erase the memories of a long and happy marriage and there is no disrespect to the deceased by moving on with life and enjoying what time one has left! I have seen first hand, the outrageous, selfish reactions of adult children when the Parent meets/lives with or marries a new partner! We all only have one life, it should be as happy and complete as possible! If only the adult children would accept the new partner, welcome them into their lives, they would see a happy, contented Parent living out their days with companionship, independent and not a burden on the family! I think in some instances the family are fearful they may miss out on "an inheritance"!!! This preconceived idea that a Parent "owes" their children such is an absolute outrage! To this lady, start slowly, gently perhaps with some "dinners for two", sharing a movie, etc. To come straight out and declare the unrequited love would likely scare him away!! Gently gently may just put loving ideas into his mind!!! Good luck!

    23rd Nov 2013
    Am sick and tired of this 'grieving process' and all the guff about counselling etc. All this 'grieving' is only selfish feelings; "oh dear me! I have no one to think about any more, just worry about myself" No thought about the dead person at all.
    Just grow up and get on with life, meet new people, do interesting thing and stop feeling sorry for youself.

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