What men want

We ask Bettina Arndt if the differences in what men and women want can ever be reconciled

Clinical psychologist, sex therapist and writer, Bettina Arndt has been a tireless campaigner for improving the sex lives of Australian men and women for nearly four decades. Most recently, her book What Men Want sheds light on the often misunderstood nature of male sexuality. We ask Bettina if the differences in what men and women want can ever be reconciled.

There are a lot of men who are unhappy about the gap between their sexual desires and their reality – particularly within a loving marriage. They are enduring a lifetime of grovelling for sex, or, having sex doled out to them like meaty bites to a dog, as one man put it.

I am not saying sex is essential for a happy relationship. There are couples where sex is not a priority. The problem only occurs when one person yearns for sexual intimacy and the other is not interested. Those who are yearning are mainly men, but sometimes it’s the women who are being rejected.

One of the major reasons men lose interest in sexual intimacy is the fear of failure. Many men are nervous about their sexual performance, so it becomes easier to avoid it than to risk failure. I hear this a lot with prostate cancer support groups, where I meet women in tears, who say they did not appreciate how much their sex lives meant until their husbands were unable to continue.

Our society is lacking information about sexual intimacy. There is never too much information on this subject. This is one of the reasons I wrote What Men Want. I wanted to explore what it’s like to live in the age of Viagra, and other erection treatments. There are very good new treatments, but what impact are they having on couples? There’s no good research on how men and women feel about the new treatments, what works for them and what doesn’t. Reactions can be highly individual; if you test 10 men they can all respond totally differently, just as 10 women will respond differently to the various contraceptive pills.

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    COMMENTS

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    Joybells
    11th Jun 2012
    9:57pm
    I agree that an openness on this subject is wonderful. One area of our lives-especially us older-but not old -men and women, was pretty much shrouded in mystery. .. We grew up where sex was not openly discussed, and as to sex aids and Viagra, Cialis etc well they were never talked about in polite society.I had a good sex life and read so many items on this subject but today I am still learning. To go into a shop and buy Viagra Cialis etc let alone sex toys was a no no for me. Luckily my hubby has no hesitation in doing so and so even at our age in the sixties we enjoy new ways of loving and getting what we both enjoy. So thank you Bettina for keeping these things openly discussed as so many of us and even younger people can benefit from what you write. The chemists also benefit as the cost of Viagra and Cialis is pretty high unless you have a gold vets card.
    Nautilus
    13th Jun 2012
    4:06pm
    Popular TV sitcoms like Everybody Loves Raymond stereotype men as being always up for it and the stern, scolding wife who uses sex to control and punish. If only women realised how much that sets boys back when combined with the relentless trashing of the male 'gender' they cop through education. While on the subject, if honesty were to prevail, sharing housework 50:50 makes no difference and few men avoid household tasks like Raymond.

    Bettina Arndt is one of the few commentators recognised by the media who actually has expertise and is not riding some wagon for personal gain. The rad fem 'Sistas' are crooked on her for regarding men as human which makes her courageous for venturing an opinion at all, especially one that is so evidence based and frank, and therefore politically incorrect.
    Joybells
    13th Jun 2012
    4:57pm
    Totally agree with you Nautilus. So much pressure is put on men today to be real studs who can perform at the drop of the er hat. All this talk about whats expected of them in the bedroom in fact often is now causing failure to perform.It seems what is often expected in giving pleasure to the woman, is pretty unreal.Women are lucky in this area as they can fake it but with the men if it doesn't rise to the occasion they are left feeling a failure.The more we put pressure on men in general the more their self esteem is damaged. That's why people like Bettina are important today as she brings this stuff out into the open. And as to housework sharing well that's another story.I am lucky as we do share -even if he doesn't do dishes
    Riddle
    24th Jun 2012
    9:15pm
    Oh Dear, i seem to have an inkblob on his nibs ...shake shake; i might as well pen something or else i'd feel as mental as anything lol


    Have you ever wondered why the threads of life entwine like fingers in grasping hands?

    Like unfolding candelabra in symmetry: Guiding candlelight that can make laughter and tears merge as one

    Why every raw thought has meaning, thought music playing mind tunes of rhapsody hue …unmeaning

    Fantasy weaving one act plays, sonnets bold, and whispered nursery rhythms … all priceless gifts



    Some presents remain unopened, leaving no token of breath … of baptism

    Soul depth knows no race, it knows no bounds or restrictions that all is not so

    Why would you ever begin to think that it was so, nothing is ... but what is so

    Love, the gift that comes from any source, is love by any other means … accept and grow



    I would rather glimpse eyes of galaxy depth: the insane moments that make all worthwhile

    I would rather cast away inhabitations of sanity and grasp insane love in its place

    I would rather see, than be blinded by the sins of ignorance, un-acceptance, pride, or intolerance

    Because to become aware of why, is to receive the gift of light … starlight of meant to be



    Laughter rang repeatedly, people propped and stared …lost, and lonely still and palm tree’s grow

    Refusing to accept that this is not gold, a story told … listen and learn

    Feel it? Feel whatever you seek, just open and receive God’s gift

    Madness is only a twist of fate that comes on us all … at sometime
    Nightshade
    15th Aug 2013
    11:29pm
    Sex is the hardest thing to get right.
    The last time was good & if only we had got that bit in, because it was nice last time.
    But it is never the same because one feels differently each time & in the throws of the passion of it all, you kind of forget to do that bit from last time, then you remember & it spoils it a bit.
    Next time we need to plan it a bit better.
    Alas in the time between the next time, I saw something that inspired me & he saw something that inspired him & low & behold it was not the same inspiration.
    So we are wanting a different thing - each of us.
    Also I am more tired than him or he is more tired than me.....
    The problem is that the working day is too long.
    UNREALISTIC IN FACT AND PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT; but who has time to practice, I ask you.
    But you also get upset with each other from day to day, about silly things & decide to PUNISH - hold out a bit on the performance.
    AND THE OTHER ONE WORKS IT OUT - DON'T THINK FOR ONE MINUTE THAT THE OTHER ONE LIVES IN IGNORANCE.
    We are so complicated & it is so hard to live together & love each other every moment of the day. There are too many things that come between us & the next time we have sex.
    Nightshade
    15th Aug 2013
    11:36pm
    p.s.
    There is always the "come & have a bath with me," trick
    I have already run the bath
    It is so nice
    It's a shame to wast the water
    Come on, let's have a bath, you will like it
    I will wash you, you won't have to do a thing.
    And on and on and on & sure enough 10 /10 you end up in the bath.
    HOLA
    23rd Aug 2013
    11:06am
    Our problem in days gone by was we were too big to fit in the bath together and one had to help the other one out. Sort of took the romance out of the moment. My friend put a bath bomb in the water, smelling beautiful, but yelled to her husband for 10 minutes to come and rescue her as it was very slippery, luckily he didn't get in with her as they would still be there today.
    Ritza
    27th Aug 2013
    10:29am
    I am heartened by seeing loving couples around me of all ages and good wishes to you all.
    Trying to find a wellread ,caring man with a good sense of humour is extremely difficult today. Most of the men I meet want a CRO a casual relationship only.... that means to them sex with no ties.
    I do not know them well, I do not know who they have been with and I really do not want to gamble on a relationship with such men.

    Maybe you say the problem is with me ? Maybe.

    But I will not put up with a part time relationship not based on trust.
    So I will wend my lonely way though life.
    HOLA
    28th Aug 2013
    5:56am
    Have you noticed in today's age there are many more men with Asian partners. It seems sad as I'm sure the ladies will put up with anything (the age difference is quite noticeable ) so long as they are being looked after and maybe their families overseas have some gain as well.
    heyyybob
    27th Aug 2013
    12:10pm
    I remember the first time I saw Bettina on T.V. I knew IMMEDIATELY what I wanted ;)
    student
    19th Oct 2013
    9:40am
    down boy, you're only window shopping :) (but she is lovely!!)


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