Ten things men wished women knew about sex

Bettina Arndt discusses what men wish women knew about sex.

sexy time

It’s no secret that sex matters to men, but not necessarily for ‘stereotypical’ reasons. Today, YourLifeChoices’ sexpert Bettina Arndt discusses what men wish women knew about sex.

1. Sex really matters to men
Many older women think men should be over sex by this stage of life but for many married men there’s a gaping hole in a relationship with no physical intimacy. It’s not about wanting to their rocks off – all men know they can masturbate to relieve frustrations. It is about connection. Sex gives men a real sense of bonding that they yearn for in this most intimate of all their relationships. Married men don’t want to live with a roommate nor a sister. They want a lover.

2. Men hate having to grovel for sex
It’s degrading for a man to have to beg for sexual favours, or to have sex reluctantly doled out to them “like meaty bites to a dog,” as one man put it. The sad truth is that most older women in long-term relationships aren’t nearly as interested in regular sex as their partners. For many sex is just no longer on their agenda. But they need to think about what it is like for their partners to be constantly sexually rejected. There are many ways of giving sexual pleasure even if you don’t feel in the mood yourself. The sexually generous woman who considers her partner’s needs is a godsend.

3. Most men want to be good lovers
Yes, they don’t always get it right. And there are men who haven’t a clue and some who don’t care. Question: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? Answer: A man will spend twenty minutes looking for a golf ball! Yet most men would love to know how to please a woman, but it isn’t so easy if she won’t tell him what she wants. He can’t be a mind reader. “All I get from her are these little grunts and I can’t tell if they are an ‘ouch’ or an ‘ahhh,’” one man told me. If you want your man to be a good lover, it’s up to you to teach him.

4. He’s not looking at your flabby bits
Men are visual creatures. Looking at a woman’s body is very much part of the sensuous experience for men. It’s such a sad thing that so many women so hate their bodies that they constantly cover themselves up, clutching sheets around their necks and closing the bathroom door.  Most men love to be able to feast their eyes on their partner’s body whilst making love. They are not judging you, nor noticing the cellulite or wear and tear on your body. Dim the lights if you must but let him enjoy seeing the body of the woman he loves.

5. Fat is not fabulous
Some women use fat to put their men off sex – and it often works very well. An obese body is rarely sexy. Most women who are overweight are really self-conscious about their bodies detracting from the enjoyment for both partners. But sexual arousal is also about blood flow. Obese men have problems with erections due to high blood pressure and other health issues. Similarly, overweight women will often suffer from diminished libido and sexual response. Losing weight will do wonders for your sex life.   

6. Using porn doesn’t make him a sex addict
If you catch your partner using porn it doesn’t mean he wants to have sex with other women any more than reading Fifty Shades of Grey means that you want to be bound and gagged. They are both just fantasy material and it’s simply untrue that porn is all about violent, misogynist images or that it leads to addiction. Many men use porn as a means of keeping a lid on their frustrations and whilst they enjoy looking at sexy images, most would far prefer real-life sex with a loving, willing partner.

7. Men are good at monogamy
We often hear about men having affairs but research shows that in any year only 2.5 per cent of Australian men are unfaithful. Of course, over a long marriage those tiny percentages will add up and significant numbers will have strayed at some point – a one night stand, a fling at a conference, even something lasting weeks or months. But many of these are happily married men still committed to their families and it’s very harsh if that brief time spent naked with another woman means all those years of devotion to a marriage mean nothing. We need to recognize men’s extraordinary sexual restraint, particularly in sexless marriages. 

8. Equipment failures can be devastating
Most older men have some problems with erections. Half of all men in their fifties, 60 per cent of sixty-year olds – the numbers keep climbing. Erectile dysfunction can be demoralising for men; “I feel like half a man,” one man told me. But we live in the ‘Age of Viagra’ and there many good treatments that can help men regain their sexual functioning. Even if your sex life has dwindled, erections may boost his self-esteem just as breast reconstruction helps women regain confidence after mastectomy. Find an experienced doctor to help and stay away from clinics charging thousands for shonky treatments that don’t work.

9. A kid in a candy shop
For an emotionally-bruised divorced man it can be a very welcome discovery that he’s in a buyer’s market in the online dating world. Some men can’t believe their good luck, particularly as there are older single women quite happy to hop into bed early in a relationship. Unsurprisingly many men will try it on with many of their new dates but there are others who prefer to take it more slowly. I’ve known couples who waited a year until the time was right for them. Older singles shouldn’t rely on guesswork to suss out each other’s expectations around sex. They need to talk it through openly and negotiate a pace that suits them both.

10. The other thing
There’s nothing better than a lusty, loving relationship to ward off the frustrations of this stage of life. In his novel, The Dying Animal, Philip Roth has his narrator talking about life’s compensations like children and money. He concludes that these compensations help “but [are] nothing like the other thing. Because the other thing is based in your physical being, in the flesh that is born and the flesh that dies. Because only when you f—ck is everything you dislike in life and everything by which you are defeated in life purely, if momentarily, revenged.” 

Starting out as a clinical psychologist, Bettina Arndt was one of Australia’s first sex therapists. Bettina then became a social commentator writing mainly on men’s issues, the subject of her new vlogs on YouTube. She’s also working as an online dating coach.

www.bettinaarndt.com.au

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    COMMENTS

    To make a comment, please register or login
    HKW
    26th Jul 2017
    11:59am
    Interesting.... No comments on this subject ha ha ha ; ))
    MICK
    26th Jul 2017
    5:11pm
    Yeah....there are. I'll bite.
    I found this list amazing. With the exception of item 6 I can pretty well relate to almost all the others.
    What are your rates Bettina? I've gotta come and see you. Ok, that came out the wrong way....chuckle, chuckle.
    Rod63
    26th Jul 2017
    12:54pm
    This is excellent advice and describes me beautifully. She is spot-on with these observations. I am 65. So ladies, take note.
    Rosret
    26th Jul 2017
    1:04pm
    No doubt this article has been posted to generate controversial if not humorous rhetoric.
    I think her stats are wrong - but who cares.
    Rod63
    26th Jul 2017
    1:13pm
    Which stats do you think are wrong and on what basis do you believe that?

    She would have access to accurate statistics.

    I don't think there is anything controversial here. Remember she is speaking generally and there always exceptions.

    Finally, what is humorous?
    Kaz
    26th Jul 2017
    1:14pm
    That's right - who cares what Bettina Arndt says!
    Rod63
    26th Jul 2017
    1:18pm
    Women trying to please their men should just as men trying to please their ladies should be aware of what they want.

    It's about love and happy, caring relationships.
    MICK
    26th Jul 2017
    5:12pm
    I think Bettina is spot on Rosret. But maybe I am different......
    Rosret
    26th Jul 2017
    6:48pm
    2.5 % unfaithful?? How about 25%
    PS Women know exactly what men want. I also have a puppy that also sits and watches me eat every mouthful of food and I know what he wants too - but enough is enough!
    Then if you get to point No. 8 at a certain age one starts to feel like a spectator at a test cricket match on a slow day and the words " why are we waiting..." starts to become a repetitive chant in the mind.
    ...and No 3. - in any situation (not just the bedroom) not many men like to be told how to improve - they just want praise.
    Metaphorically I have found if the dishes aren't washed perfectly or the lawn looks as though its a bad hair cut, if I want help at a future time it is better to never ever pick up on the mistakes.
    Puglet
    26th Jul 2017
    2:33pm
    Divorced men who patrol dating sites and newspapers usually want women who are significantly younger than they are so it seems that blokes do mind ageing flabby bits. The porn they look at does not involve older women and/or women who don't wear size 10. My comments do not reflect happily married men's opinions. As usual Bettina is talking through her hat. She focuses on unhappy men not those who do not need her services.
    Rod63
    26th Jul 2017
    4:57pm
    I think she is talking about men in relationships.
    Zicky
    26th Jul 2017
    2:33pm
    I can't believe that there are so many negative comments - mainly about the author. As an "active" 71 yo I think these 10 points go a long way to describing mois and would/will help most relationships. Sex with an enthusiastic and loving partner is very hard to beat but we MUST be aware of the desires of these partners and be willing to learn. Thanks for the advice Your Life Choices.
    Rod63
    26th Jul 2017
    4:57pm
    Couldn't agree more!
    MICK
    26th Jul 2017
    5:13pm
    Ditto.
    Forum Moderator
    26th Jul 2017
    2:49pm
    Please limit your comments to the subject and not the author.
    Thank you.
    YLC
    Rod63
    26th Jul 2017
    4:56pm
    Well said. "Play the ball and not the man".
    MICK
    26th Jul 2017
    5:17pm
    Fair comment YLC but authors who stand on a soapbox to promote BS should cop a serve. In this case I agree with almost everything Bettina has written. Not the porn though as a piecemeal relationship should not be used as an excuse as a justification for going to sites which exploit women. Eh gad.....starting to sound like a feminist. What is that going to do to m y image? Chuckle.... Don't answer that!
    Anonymous
    27th Jul 2017
    10:09pm
    My ex used to play the balls
    niemakawa
    26th Jul 2017
    2:57pm
    It's a hard one!!
    Zicky
    26th Jul 2017
    3:21pm
    And long may that be the case niemakawa
    MICK
    26th Jul 2017
    5:17pm
    Ha, ha. Funny niemakawa.
    Easy Rider
    26th Jul 2017
    3:27pm
    Women would do well to listen to what Bettina has to say. She is usually spot on. She understands men! btw.....advice to nagging
    women....watch and listen to the song on youtube..."How can you kiss the lips and night that chew your a** off all day long." Some very good advice there also!
    niemakawa
    26th Jul 2017
    4:54pm
    "I believe in miracles
    Where you from
    You sexy thing, sexy thing you
    I believe in miracles
    Since you came along
    You sexy thing"
    MICK
    26th Jul 2017
    5:19pm
    Get off the grog and & drugs and head for the viagra.
    Foxy
    26th Jul 2017
    6:33pm
    Nothing like Hot Chocolate eh? lol lol
    niemakawa
    26th Jul 2017
    6:35pm
    Yes Foxy, you know the song.
    Foxy
    26th Jul 2017
    8:12pm
    ..... - like "Heavens in the Back Seat of my Cadillac - let me take you there - oh yeahhh......" mmmmm :-)
    Hilily
    26th Jul 2017
    5:04pm
    Never met , married or lived with a man who seemed to care about what I wanted from a sexual relationship although I had gone to a lot of effort to find out what made a man happy. Eventually gave up and lived a celibate life. No sex but no disappointments either
    MICK
    26th Jul 2017
    5:21pm
    Sad. Sex is only one part of a relationship but as the author said it si an integral part. What women apparently fail to understand is that a platonic relationship is not a full one. A bit like owning a car with flat tyres.
    Rosret
    26th Jul 2017
    6:53pm
    Not at all Mick, a single female is in control of her own destiny. It is such a wonderful life full of possibilities and freedom of choice.
    Men have freedom of choice their entire lives and traditionally women have followed. It is changing but that isn't the way it was for our generation.
    The tyres are full and very much ready to roll!
    Tib
    26th Jul 2017
    9:05pm
    There is nothing unusual about a women who lives alone with cats.There seems to be more every year. It's usually because they have no choice.

    In fact as men get older ,marriage and serious relationships look less inviting. It's a great way to end up in the divorce court and flat broke, and no relationship is worth that.
    MICK
    26th Jul 2017
    9:34pm
    It is a fact of life that more and more people are living alone. This is already a challenge for residential apartments which are beginning to cater for singles.
    The issue you both discuss is the breakdown of relationships. It happens because things change. My issue above is that sex was one of many parts which glue a relationship together. When the hormones in women switch off the desire for this the assumption is that the partner should do likewise. And there the seeds of discontent begin to grow. The divorce courts soon beckon....but some of us love our spouses enough to suffer in silence. Decisions, decisions!
    Personally living alone is a curse and the benefits likely are likely far outweighed by the negatives. May be it is different for you.
    Tib
    26th Jul 2017
    11:03pm
    Mick I don't think for single older men it's worth the risk. Women are the ones who file for divorce in 80% of cases and after you have been wiped out financially it's very hard to start again at 60.
    Sex just isn't a good enough reason to risk it. Besides there is no shortage of sex for a single man and as long as she doesn't live in your house all is fine.
    You are right though for married couples if they want to keep it going sex is important.
    Rosret
    27th Jul 2017
    8:34am
    Mick of course a wonderful fulfilled relationship is the magic most people desire. Its not about divorce or sex etc etc.
    We are herd animals. We need to be with people and if you have a caring relationship then it means both of you have found the magic that makes the world go around.
    However it doesn't go - good marriage, bad marriage, then singledom. Singledom and good marriage can truly be on a similar level as long as you still belong somewhere and to some network of friends or family.
    Singledom doesn't equate to loneliness - trust be many people are far more lonely being married than being on their own.
    ... and as for the housing crisis - the apartments being built these days are so small only one person fits anyway. I would go dotty in a one bedroom unit.
    tactful
    26th Jul 2017
    5:15pm
    My partner and I have great sex. Reason - we communicate about what we like and do not like. Simple really.
    MICK
    26th Jul 2017
    5:21pm
    A few assumptions there. You are fortunate tactful.

    26th Jul 2017
    6:00pm
    Considering the demographic of this site it may well be time to mention about the old guy who visited his doctor only to be told he'd have to give up half of his sex life. The old guy replied "Which half Doc, thinking about it or talking about it?"
    Rosret
    26th Jul 2017
    6:56pm
    :)
    MICK
    26th Jul 2017
    9:35pm
    Ha, ha.
    Theo1943
    26th Jul 2017
    9:16pm
    I remember reading Bettina's column in Forum and have been reading her stuff ever since. she has great insight into the human sexual situation.
    MICK
    26th Jul 2017
    9:35pm
    Pretty well spot on from what I read above.
    niemakawa
    26th Jul 2017
    10:41pm
    How does that saying go when women are not that interested in the sensual part of sex, something like this:

    "Lay back and think of England(Australia)"
    Tib
    26th Jul 2017
    11:12pm
    Lay back and think of Jamaica . Hopefully things will be a bit more entertaining. ;)
    niemakawa
    26th Jul 2017
    11:38pm
    Those that can't dance blame it on the music. A jamaican saying..
    Anonymous
    27th Jul 2017
    2:59pm
    Lay back and think of a Jamaican
    niemakawa
    26th Jul 2017
    11:36pm
    "Scratch an old woman's back and she will let you taste her pepper pot"

    I like it.
    mogo51
    27th Jul 2017
    8:23am
    This is one of the best articles I have read on this site.
    I gave up on Australian women more than 8 years ago. Not totally for the reasons in this article but it had a good bit to do with it.
    In the new age 'women's liberation' they have stopped being a woman and a lady. They think it is degrading if a man opens a door or pulls out a chair for them (all things my father taught me at a young age). I was once chastised by a woman for doing this. What a sad state!!!
    I now have a wonderful Filipino partner who loves and cares for me. No headaches, no 'don't feel like it ' etc.
    We have mutual respect and she enjoys being my partner and vice versa. No wonder Australian women don't like them!!!!
    Rosret
    27th Jul 2017
    8:48am
    I am very sorry for your Filipino wife. I do hope she is recompensed with a tidy inheritance for her servitude.

    How sad you chose a wife from overseas because you felt the women of Australia should be denied any rights of equality.
    How sad you married a Filipino wife - not for love but for the disdain of your own people.
    MICK
    27th Jul 2017
    1:55pm
    A bit unfair Rosret.
    The issue with western women generally is not that they want equality but rather that they are often offer little in a relationship other than strife. I would think that is why more and more people do not get married nowadays.
    Women who go to work and share the burdens of life are gems but as rare as hens teeth methinks. And then there is the attitude, laziness and demeanor. Tough for men to put up with that unless they are 'special'.
    I can see the women's libberers sharpening the knives but perhaps it is pertinent to ponder the 'why is it so' rather then the 'how dare you have that opinion'. It's not really all that complicated and men who select an overseas partner have made a decision, whatever the reason and do not deserve to be trivialised by the opposite sex for that choice. Not as though they chose out of spite.
    Whilst I am happy in my relationship if I had to do it again I would definitely be looking overseas as the local product has changed for the worst over many decades and to stay local I would require a special person. Unlikely to win that lottery though as I don't consider myself special in any way.
    In the end women got what they wanted. They should be happy with that and live with their achievements. Congratulations girls you have been liberated!
    Old Geezer
    27th Jul 2017
    2:09pm
    Gee things must have ben bad for your wife in the Philippines if she now feels liberated!
    niemakawa
    27th Jul 2017
    2:30pm
    Rosret, sour grapes on your part it seems. Men do not like to be nagged. Unfortunately far too many Australian women are well known for harbouring this particular trait. Sensible men will not have a bar of it.
    MICK
    27th Jul 2017
    3:09pm
    I think we have the War of the Roses Mk II about to erupt.
    As I tried to say in my politically incorrect way above people choose their partners for a whole host of reasons and should be able to do so with recriminations. This after all is just spite and/or recrimination.
    Perhaps a discussion about the reasons WHY some people will not marry a local is a better starting point to gain a real understanding of the problem(s).
    This is cause and effect.
    Ella
    27th Jul 2017
    3:16pm
    Reading all these comments revealed some sad relationships out there . In my second marriage I've found that being good friends and kind to each other sorts out most problems. There cant be mutual respect if the female has to say yes always as part of a deal to keep you happy Mogo51.
    I'm not sure where your circle of females are from Mick but my circle of female friends have both worked to pay mortgages and raised families all their lives so hardly could be called lazy. Also anyone who doesn't appreciate having a door opened or chair pulled out is just plain "bad mannered" . This has nothing to do with "equality" or "feminism " Bad manners are just that.
    The article by Bettina i thought pretty spot on too. I am always conscious of the differences btn males and females re sex but do my best to meet my husbands needs as he does mine. Lucky ? .....or just respectful ?
    niemakawa
    27th Jul 2017
    6:35pm
    MICK, I would not marry or date a non-local ,as you put it. Prefer to keep it homogeneous. I have known many women throughout my short life, some with whom a relationship was established. Very few managed to see a man's point of view on many issues and were so self-absorbed with their own mantra that I gave up on them. Best cast aside those that show no humility.
    MICK
    28th Jul 2017
    1:40pm
    Humility? Never given that much thought but you are on the money. Women who are full of themselves, just like men who are full of themselves, are unlikely to make good partners.
    Good post. Thanks for the enlightenment.
    Couldabeen
    27th Jul 2017
    6:41pm
    I may not have got the intention of the writer here, but Ms Arndt implies that a loss of libido is natural and to be expected more in women than in men as they age. There are sites on line where quite a few people in the over 60's age group are both very active and the men have trouble keeping up to the demands of their wives.

    The joke about the golf ball and the G-spot is somewhat unfair as it is not present in all women. If the woman herself cannot find it and direct the search, it is futile to expect her partner to find it quickly and easily.
    One thing to remember from both sides of the gender fence is, don't be ashamed or embarrassed to buy some toys to help reach the spots that matter. It is amazing the types of plastics that are used to create very realistic feeling and looking additions to the armory of amour. It's only your first visit to an adult shop that's embarrassing.
    niemakawa
    27th Jul 2017
    7:03pm
    I recall visiting adult sex shop with a close friend. What she saw made her gasp as she held firmly onto a libido stick. We both ended up in hysterics and went home for the real thing.
    niemakawa
    27th Jul 2017
    7:03pm
    I recall visiting adult sex shop with a close friend. What she saw made her gasp as she held firmly onto a libido stick. We both ended up in hysterics and went home for the real thing.

    27th Jul 2017
    10:02pm
    Variety is the spice of life
    White ones yellow ones brown ones black ones

    To all the girls I've loved before - willie Nelson had it right

    28th Jul 2017
    7:27am
    And what about what women wish men knew about sex? Or doesn't the female perspective matter? Fortunately for my partner, we both care about the other and we communicate to ensure both partners are getting what they want from the relationship, but it's a two-sided affair. I currently have a male house guest who is obese and a glutton, and who claims being male excuses him from any requirement to try to address his flaws, and he wonders why his wife is thoroughly turned off!!!!
    Rod63
    28th Jul 2017
    8:04am
    Of course that matters, Rainey, and YLC has posted articles on that. This one just happens to be about what men want/need.
    MICK
    28th Jul 2017
    1:45pm
    Relationships should be 2 way streets.
    Just imagine how women would feel if the answer was 'no' 90% of the time, if men had a headache, were tired, had a hard day or could not do it. The mind boggles at the reaction.
    niemakawa
    28th Jul 2017
    1:50pm
    Whatever happened to conjugal rights? I must have missed that one, as the term is rarely if ever mentioned these days. Banned I suppose.!!
    jean
    31st Jul 2017
    2:41pm
    hmmm..... 'If you catch your partner using porn', sounds very sneaky to me. I've talked to my friends about their partners and looking at porn and none of them would like their partners looking at that stuff. Ok, fair enough if you both agree to it that's your business, but they reckon that porn changes the brain and it can do some damage to a relationship. I reckon be honest with each other and respect one another. jean
    Old Geezer
    31st Jul 2017
    5:08pm
    Maybe you should join him and learn something.


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