Irish financial planning

Financial Planning explained by an Irishman, plus 50 sheds of grey.

Irish financial planning

Financial Planning as explained by an Irishman

Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

In the morning, the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.” Paddy replied, “Well just give me my money back then.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.” Paddy said, “OK then, just bring me the dead donkey.”

The farmer asked, “What are you going to do with him?” Paddy said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle a dead donkey!” Paddy said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?” Paddy said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898.”

The farmer asked, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Paddy replied, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.”

Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank.

50 Sheds of Grey

The novel Fifty Shades of Grey has seduced women – and baffled blokes. Now, Fifty Sheds of Grey offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts …

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall … but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” So I took her to Bunnings.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read that book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.?“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing her stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.





    COMMENTS

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    Yer man
    17th Apr 2015
    1:09pm
    Pat and Mick were almost unemployable. Sitting in the pub having a look through the local paper, Pat says ,
    'Hey Mick here's de jab for us ' Wanted Tree fellers'.
    ' Aye but ders only the two of us, 'saysMick

    They see an ad . Wanted two handy men ' at the big house on top of the hill. They make their way up to the house and knock the door. The maid answers the door . They say there are there to apply for the job .
    ' I'll get the lady of the house for you'
    When she arrives she says.
    Could I be seeing the muscles on your arms ?'
    The boys oblige.
    'Could I be seeing the muscles on your legs ?'
    They roll up their trouser legs .
    Then she says .Could I be seeing your testimonials ?"
    As Pat and Mick are walking down the driveway Pat says to Mick
    'You know if we'd had a bit of education we could have got dat jab "
    terrib
    17th Apr 2015
    3:08pm
    I think you may have opened up a pandoras shed (box0 with this one.
    A. N. Onymous
    17th Apr 2015
    3:26pm
    Telling Irish Jokes
    A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up.

    "You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughta punch you in the nose."

    "I'm sorry sir. I..."

    "Not you," says the Irishman. "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."
    A. N. Onymous
    17th Apr 2015
    3:28pm
    The Vow

    An Irishman was flustered, not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

    "Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

    Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind. I found one."
    A. N. Onymous
    17th Apr 2015
    3:39pm
    Heaven

    Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St. Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven.

    St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name, and what did you accomplish during your life?"

    The man responds, "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City taxi driver for 14 years."

    "Very well," says St. Peter. "Here are your silk robe and golden sceptre. Now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

    St. Peter looks at the Father and asks, "What is your name, and what did you accomplish?"

    He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and I have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."

    "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here are your cotton robe and wooden staff. You may enter."

    "Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan. "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre. Why did I only get a cotton robe and a wooden staff?”

    "Well," St. Peter replied, "we work on a performance scale. You see, while you preached, everyone slept. When he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"
    Non Racist
    19th Apr 2015
    8:21pm
    I am surprised to see this racist joke. Highly offended. Count me out of here.
    World Prophet
    14th May 2015
    5:27pm
    Is this a genuine comment?

    12th May 2015
    2:39pm
    Q. What does it say on the bottom of Irish beer bottles?

    A. Open other end.

    12th May 2015
    2:41pm
    Irish quote of the week: You're never too old to learn something stupid.


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