In the tapestry of human emotions, grudges are the threads that often weave patterns of resentment and bitterness into our lives. Holding onto a grudge can feel like carrying a heavy backpack—every step is harder, every moment tainted by past resentment.
At first, holding onto resentment feels like control, a way of ensuring justice in our own minds. But over time, that anger becomes a weight, affecting our mood, our relationships, and even our health.
Holding a grudge could be as trivial as a childhood squabble or as significant as a betrayal by a close friend or family member. While the details may fade over time, the emotional imprint of a grudge can linger for years, even decades.
Holding on to grudges
Research has shown that those who cling to grudges may experience lower levels of mental wellbeing and are more susceptible to depression. Conversely, forgiveness is linked to lower stress levels, reduced risk of heart disease, and even a longer lifespan. It’s clear that the act of letting go can be a powerful tool for healing.
But why do we hold grudges in the first place? Psychologists suggest that grudges can provide a sense of comfort, a way to validate our feelings of hurt and injustice. They can make us feel empowered as if we’re protecting ourselves from further harm. Yet, this short-term emotional armour can eventually turn into a long-term burden, leading to anxiety, mistrust, and a general sense of unease.
The pleasure centres of our brain can become hijacked by the dopamine released during moments of anger, as explained by Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project. This can make it difficult to find joy in the things that should bring us happiness. It’s a classic case of too much of a good thing becoming detrimental to our overall wellbeing.
Moreover, holding onto a grudge can amplify feelings of helplessness and erode self-confidence. It’s a sign that we haven’t found a way to cope with the situation, leaving us stuck in a cycle of negativity. Physiologically, the stress response triggered by a grudge floods our body with adrenaline and cortisol, which can be harmful over time.
Experiencing freedom
So, how do we break free from the grip of grudges? The first step is to acknowledge the grudge and understand its roots. According to psychologists, ‘grudges often stem from a deep sense of injustice’ or ‘unmet expectations.’ Recognising this can help us begin the process of letting go.
Experts like Linda Blair, a clinical psychologist, suggest that we should treat ourselves with the same compassion we would offer a friend. She advises redirecting that energy towards more positive and fulfilling endeavours.
‘If you could be merciful rather than harsh on yourself, you would say, “Yes, I was wrong, and I need to apologise”,’ she said.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing the behaviour that hurt us. It’s about reclaiming control over our emotional wellbeing.
Robert Enright, a pioneer of forgiveness research, encourages us to seek forgiveness ‘because the one hurt by the grudge in the long term is the one holding it, rather than those towards whom the grudge is directed.’
He adds that allowing forgiveness and justice to co-exist could lead us towards a more gentle and reasonable resolution.
‘Either you forgive and abandon justice, or you stand firm and you don’t forgive under any circumstances until you get justice. But you can have forgiveness and justice grow up together, so that, as you forgive, ask something of the other, and your ask will probably be more gentle, more reasonable and maybe better received,’ he said.
Experts also say it’s helpful to try and see the person who wronged us in a new light, recognising our shared humanity and commonalities. This can soften our hearts and open the door to forgiveness.
They say practising relaxation techniques and gratitude can also diminish the power of grudges. By reminding ourselves that life is a mix of good and difficult experiences, we can ‘reduce the power’ that negative feelings have over us.
We’d love to hear from you, our YourLifeChoices readers. Have you successfully released a long-held grudge? What strategies worked for you? Share your experiences in the comments below. Your insights could be the guiding light for someone else struggling to find their way out of the shadows of resentment.
Also read: How to recognise and overcome the signs of self-sabotaging behaviour
