What truly makes a marriage go the distance? You might think it’s passion, romantic gestures or even candlelit dinners.
But new insights from an expert suggest something far more grounded—and enduring.
The quiet bond that outlives the spark
It is easy to be swept up in the early days of a relationship, when everything feels new and exciting. But as many married couples know, that spark often softens with time.
What remains—and what truly matters—is something deeper.
According to Harvard professor and social scientist Arthur Brooks, the strongest marriages are built on friendship.
Appearing on The Drive podcast with Dr Peter Attia, Prof Brooks explained: ‘The goal of your marriage is not passion, it’s friendship. You must be close friends, ideally best friends, with your spouse.’
The warning signs
Not every marriage is grounded in deep friendship.
Prof Brooks warns that a major sign of divorce is when couples feel lonely even while living together.
‘The only thing you have in common is your kids,’ he says, describing a reality many couples face.
This can hit hardest during the so-called ‘empty nest syndrome’, when children grow up and leave home.
‘That one point of commonality disappears and you’re sitting across the table blinking at each other during dinner and not talking because you literally have nothing to talk about,’ he explains.
His advice? Develop shared interests and have deeper conversations.
‘Couples should develop philosophical interests in common; they’re talking about deep things. There’s got to be something bigger than “Did you change his nappy?” because that’s not going to be in common forever, and you’re going to be lonely in your relationship.’
The importance of friendships outside marriage
While friendship with your spouse is essential, Prof Brooks also stresses the value of friendships outside marriage—especially for men.
‘You’ve got to work on these things for sure, for a lot of reasons besides the fact that it’s just healthy and good. You might, at some point, be left alone if you’re widowed. You don’t want to be alone under those circumstances,’ he says.
This advice is particularly timely for men, who often allow friendships to fade over time.
Research shows that men who lose their partners are at higher risk of loneliness and depression, partly due to weaker social connections.
Don’t stress about fading passion
If your marriage no longer feels passionate, don’t worry. Prof Brooks assures us that it is not only normal—it is actually a good sign.
‘Having low intimacy levels is healthy, normal, and actually advisable, as it’s more sustainable in the long run,’ he says.
The passionate highs of new love were never meant to last forever. Instead, what endures is a strong companionship built on shared moments, laughter and mutual support.
The bottom line
A strong marriage is not defined by constant passion or romantic highs. It is shaped by a lasting, resilient friendship—one that stands firm through both challenges and joys.
As Prof Brooks reminds us: ‘Love is truly the great secret to happiness.’ But it’s a kind of love rooted in companionship, understanding and mutual respect.
Have you found friendship to be the key to your long-lasting relationship? What changes did you and your partner make after your children left home?
Share your thoughts in the comments—we would love to hear your story and learn from your experience. Let’s open up the conversation and support one another in finding joy in long-term love.
Also read: Hervey Bay couple celebrates 80 years of marriage—what’s their secret?
