For many Australians, marriage is a long, winding road filled with joy and challenge.
But what happens when the road becomes eerily quiet—no arguments, no affection, just a sense of going through the motions?
You might be experiencing what experts call a ‘silent divorce’—a state where a marriage has ended emotionally, but the paperwork and the public face remain intact.
What is a ‘silent divorce’?
Unlike the dramatic breakups we see on TV, a silent divorce is subtle and insidious. It’s not marked by shouting matches or slammed doors, but by a slow, creeping distance.
You and your partner may still share a home, meals, and even family events, but the emotional connection has faded. As one woman described it, ‘He became a stranger I was still married to under the same roof.’
According to relationship counsellors, a silent divorce occurs when couples are no longer emotionally, mentally, or even physically connected, but continue to live together, often for practical reasons such as finances, children, or simply habit.
It’s a lonely place to be, and it can be hard to recognise when you’re in it.
The telltale signs of a silent divorce
So, how do you know if you’re in a silent divorce? Here are some red flags to watch for:
- You feel more like roommates than romantic partners. The focus is on logistics—who’s picking up the groceries, what’s for dinner, who’s paying the bills—rather than on each other.
- Physical intimacy has disappeared. This isn’t just about sex; it’s about hugs, holding hands, or even a gentle touch on the shoulder. If these have vanished, it’s a warning sign.
- You avoid meaningful conversations. Difficult topics are swept under the rug. You might talk about the weather, but not about your feelings, hopes, or disappointments.
- You lead separate lives. Maybe you take separate holidays, attend social events alone, or simply spend most of your time in different rooms.
- You feel emotionally isolated. Even when you’re together, you feel alone. There’s a lack of vulnerability and sharing.
- You’re staying together for reasons other than love. Finances, children, or fear of change are the glue holding things together, not affection or shared dreams.
Why do couples end up here?
Marriage, especially long-term marriage, takes work. Over time, life’s pressures—raising children, managing careers, dealing with health issues—can push couples apart.
Sometimes, the effort to reconnect feels too hard, or past hurts have built up to the point where it’s easier to disengage than to fight.
Interestingly, some couples see the absence of arguments as a good thing. However, as relationship expert Justin Ho points out, ‘Fighting, as dysfunctional as it might seem, often reflects that we’re still trying to connect.’
When the fighting stops and is replaced by silence, it can mean that both partners have given up.
The hidden costs of staying quiet
At first, a silent divorce might feel like a relief—no more conflict, no more drama. But this calm comes at a price.
The emotional toll can be significant, leading to feelings of loneliness, resentment, and even depression or anxiety. Over time, the effort to avoid your partner can be exhausting.
For couples with children, the impact can be even greater. Kids are perceptive; they can sense tension and unhappiness, even if it’s unspoken.
They may feel neglected, confused, or even pressured to take sides.
There are also practical considerations. Remaining legally married means your finances are still intertwined.
If your partner racks up debt or gets into legal trouble, you could be on the hook. As financial adviser Liesl Savage warns, ‘If you’re still married, you are on the hook with that person financially. You are intertwined.’
Why it’s so hard to leave
For many, the idea of starting over is daunting. There may be fears about financial security, loneliness, or the reactions of family and friends.
Some couples stay together out of habit, or because they believe it’s best for the children or grandchildren.
But staying in a silent divorce can be just as damaging as a messy breakup—sometimes more so, because the pain is hidden and ongoing.
What can you do if you suspect you’re in a silent divorce?
The first step is to acknowledge the problem. It can be uncomfortable, but having an honest conversation with your partner is crucial.
Ask, ‘Are you feeling the same way?’ Sometimes, simply naming the issue can open the door to change. If you both want to try to reconnect, consider seeking help from a couples’ therapist.
Therapy isn’t just about saving the relationship; it’s about having the difficult conversations you’ve been avoiding and making informed decisions about your future.
If you decide that the marriage can’t be revived, it may be time to talk about separation—emotionally, legally, and financially.
This can be a complicated process, but it can also be the start of a new, more fulfilling chapter.
Tips for reconnecting (or moving on)
Start small. Try spending time together doing something you both enjoy, even if it’s just a walk or a cup of tea.
Be honest about your feelings. Vulnerability can be scary, but it’s the only way to rebuild trust and intimacy.
Seek support. Whether it’s from friends, family, or a professional, don’t try to go it alone.
Take care of yourself. Your well-being matters, whether you stay or go.
Marriage in later life can be deeply rewarding, but it’s never too late to ask if you’re truly happy—or if you’re just going through the motions. If you suspect you’re in a silent divorce, know that you’re not alone, and that there are steps you can take to find connection, healing, and even joy again.
Have you experienced a silent divorce, or do you know someone who has? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments below—your experience could help others who are struggling in silence.
Also read: The rising tide of divorce: What’s behind Australia’s spike
