Have you ever found yourself saying ‘yes’ when you really wanted to say ‘no’? Do you often put others’ needs ahead of your own, even if it leaves you feeling drained or resentful?
If so, you might be a people pleaser—and you’re certainly not alone. For many Australians, the habit of putting others first can be deeply ingrained, shaped by decades of family, work, and social expectations.
But what does it really mean to be a people pleaser? And, more importantly, how can you start to rediscover what you truly want out of life?
The term ‘people pleaser’ gets thrown around a lot, often with a knowing smile or a gentle ribbing. It sounds harmless enough—after all, what’s wrong with being nice? But beneath the surface, chronic people-pleasing can come at a significant personal cost.
Many people pleasers find themselves feeling empty, anxious, or even resentful. Why? Because, over time, constantly prioritising others’ needs can erode your sense of self. You might start to wonder: Who am I, really, when I’m not busy making everyone else happy?
While it’s easy to assume people pleasing is just about being polite or agreeable, the roots often run much deeper. Psychologists suggest that the tendency to please others can start in childhood. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings weren’t always acknowledged or accepted, you may have learnt to suppress your own needs in favour of keeping the peace.
Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott described this as developing a ‘false self’—a version of yourself shaped by what you think others want, rather than who you truly are. Over time, this can become so automatic that you lose touch with your own desires, opinions, and even your sense of identity.
You might be a people pleaser if you struggle to say ‘no’, even when you’re already overwhelmed. You may find yourself agreeing with others just to avoid conflict, even when you don’t truly agree.
There’s often a strong sense of responsibility for other people’s happiness, coupled with a tendency to neglect your own needs—rarely taking time for yourself, or feeling guilty when you do. Underneath it all, there’s usually a deep worry about being disliked or letting others down.
If any of these sound familiar, you’re not alone. Many people—especially women, but men too—find themselves caught in this pattern, often without realising it.
The good news? It’s never too late to reconnect with your true self. The first step is awareness—recognising that your people-pleasing habits may be masking your own needs and desires.
For some, this realisation can be unsettling. It might feel as though there’s nothing solid at your core, just a reflection of what others expect. But as one psychotherapist discovered through years of self-exploration, there’s often a rich, complex inner life waiting to be uncovered—one that includes not just kindness and generosity but also anger, vulnerability, and courage.
As we get older, life often presents us with opportunities to reflect and reset. Children grow up, careers wind down, and we may find ourselves with more time to consider what we want from the years ahead. This can be both liberating and daunting, especially if you’ve spent decades putting others first.
But embracing your authentic self isn’t selfish—it’s essential for your well-being. Research shows that people who are able to assert their own needs and set healthy boundaries experience less stress, better relationships, and greater life satisfaction.
Letting go of people-pleasing habits isn’t about becoming selfish or uncaring. It’s about finding a balance—valuing your own needs as much as you value others.
As you reconnect with your authentic self, you may discover hidden strengths: resilience, courage, and a newfound sense of agency. Remember, it’s never too late to start living life on your own terms.
Understanding our own desires beyond external expectations can be a challenging yet transformative journey. Exploring the impact of people pleasing sheds light on how we navigate relationships, self-awareness, and personal growth.
Have you ever felt caught between meeting others’ expectations and staying true to yourself? How do you define authenticity in your own life? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Also read: How to recognise and overcome the signs of self-sabotaging behaviour
