Thinking fast on your feet

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said,

‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’

Some old men can still think fast.

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*Posted on the YOURLifeChoices Facebook page by Robin*

A woman goes to her letterbox to collect the mail. While she is there, a truck pulls up. Two workmen get out, put on their yellow jackets, and grab a shovel each.

The first man looks around, selects a spot and digs a hole, then he takes 10 paces-and digs another hole, then another 10 paces, and digs another hole. Th…e second man comes along and fills in the first hole, then moves on and fills in the second hole, and so on.

The woman is fascinated and asks what they are actually doing. The first workman answered “There are 3 of us in this gang, but one of our team is away sick today”

“What does he do?” asked the woman. The first workman relied “His job is to put the tree in the hole

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A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values which will mean they will charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas

There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn’t taxed or insured and doesn’t even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked.

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son’s girl-friend, but nothing has been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are out of control.

I hate living near Windsor Castle

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A man is stopped by the police in the early hours of the morning and asked where he’s going.

Slurring his words, he says, “I’m on my way to listen to a lecture about the physiological effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

“My wife”, he replied.

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Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies’ Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.When she took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, “Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!” This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of The cake. She found it in the bathroom – a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the churchand head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snobwho more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP’d , she couldn’t think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice’s horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, “what a beautiful cake!”

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself…”

Alice smiled and thought to herself, “God is good”.

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