20 fab ‘Phyllis Dillerisms’

Phyllis Diller was undoubtedly one of the funniest-ever comediennes to grace the stage and screen. Her wacky witticisms were perfectly paired with her wild hairstyle and, boy, she made us laugh and laugh … Today, you can enjoy 15 of her most fabulous ‘Phyllis Dillerisms’.

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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don’t do me justice -they just look like me.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle –  keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

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Which is your favourite ‘Phyllis Dillerism’? Or do you know of another one? Why not share it with our members?

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Written by Leon Della Bosca

Leon Della Bosca has worked in publishing and media in one form or another for around 25 years. He's a voracious reader, word spinner and art, writing, design, painting, drawing, travel and photography enthusiast. You'll often find him roaming through galleries or exploring the streets of his beloved Melbourne and surrounding suburbs, sketchpad or notebook in hand, smiling.
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