“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed businessman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the businessman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth”.
A woman shoots her husband for stepping on the clean floor. A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
A couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment and then confesses. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken; the reality of what his wife was admitting has hit him harder than he expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks: “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she musters the courage to tell her husband the truth.
Finally, she says: “You.”
A guy walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the crocodile will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmurs its approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the crocodile’s open mouth. The crocodile closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the crocodile hard on the top its head. The croc opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
“I’ll try,” says a small woman, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”