February 19, 2021 
2 Comments 
An accountant is someone who solves a problem you never knew you had, in a way you don’t understand and for a fee you can’t afford. For Friday Funnies today, we’ve cracked open the classic files on accountants, giving you the best jokes to make fun of our financially focused friends.
***
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
***
A guy in a bar leans over to the man next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”
The man next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 190 centimetres tall and weigh 100 kilograms, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 193 centimetres and 110 kilograms and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”
The first guy says, “No thanks, I don’t want to have to explain it twice.”
***
What’s the difference between sperm and an accountant?
The sperm has a one in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
***
A patient returns to her doctor’s office to receive some test results. Her doctor says, “I have some very bad news, you have six months to live.”
Shaken, the patient asks, “Doctor, what should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Marry an accountant.”
“Will that make me live longer?” asks the patient.
“No,” said the doctor, “but it will seem longer.”
***
What do accountants do when they are constipated?
They get a pencil and work it out.
***
What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he’s boring.
***
An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy. The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following.
“Ms Murray, an elderly client of ours, came to see me last week and paid me $1000 in cash. As she left, I counted the notes and they came to $1100.”
The student replied, “I see. So the ethics question is do I tell the client?”
“Nope! The question is do I tell my partner.”
***
Why are accountants such good lovers?
Because they’re great with figures.
***
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours?
Because on the box it said ‘concentrate’.
***
Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant? No? We haven’t either.
Do you agree with the stereotypes about accountants? Did we miss any classic accountant jokes? What profession would you like us to focus on next?
Liv Gardiner
Peter Leith
The Conversation
Ben Hocking
Leon Della Bosca
This a conversation between a Male accountant and a Female accountant who met up in a bar at Chinchilla Queensland. After some general small talk and chit chat the Female Accountant asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply:
Female accountant: Do you drink beer?
Male accountant: Yes
Female accountant: How many beers a day?
Male accountant: Usually about three
Female accountant: How much do you pay per beer?
Male accountant: About $5.00 (this is where it gets scary!)
Female accountant: And how long have you been drinking?
Male accountant: About 20 years, I suppose
Female accountant: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Male accountant: Correct
Female accountant: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Male accountant: Correct
Female accountant: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a compound interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Male accountant: Do you drink beer?
Female accountant: No.
Male accountant: Where is your airplane?
I’m a retired economist so it makes a change to see some accountant jokes. I must say though, that the vast majority of accountants I’ve met in my life were women. Just where did you get the jokes from?