A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
“Mind if I have a few?” he asks.
“No, not at all!” the woman replies.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realises that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he’d emptied most of the bowl.
“I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts,” he says. “I really just meant to eat a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, “Can I have a cigarette?”
The bartender replies, “Sure, the cigarette machine is over there.”
So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to select his cigarettes, the machine suddenly says, “Oi, you bloody idiot.”
The man says, with surprise in his voice, “That’s not very nice.” He returns to his bar stool without cigarettes and asks the bartender for some peanuts.
The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, “Ooh, I like your hair.”
The man says to the bartender, “Hey, what’s going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why’s this?”
The bartender replies, “Oh, that’s because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary.”
Two peanuts were walking down a street, one was assaulted.
Q: What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?
A: An astronut.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?
A: I’m not telling you. You might spread it.
Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
A: Because she’s nuts.
Q: What did the nut say when he was chasing another nut?
A: I’m a cashew.
No thanks, but I’ll take some peanuts.