Rollicking retirement jokes

There are few things in life that are guaranteed: toilet visits, taxes and, if you’re lucky, growing older. Today’s rollicking retirement jokes take a lighter look at our twilight years.

•••

A retired couple had dinner at their friends’ house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen.

The two men were talking and one said, “We’ve been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great. I’d recommend it very highly.”

The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?”

The first man thought awhile and finally said, “What are those flowers you send a woman you love? The ones with red petals and thorns?”

“You must mean roses,” the other man replied.

“That’s it,” said the man. He yelled to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of the new restaurant we like?”

•••

Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a check-up with his doctor. A week or so afterward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.

The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”

Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful.”

The physician exclaims, “Herm, that’s not what I told you! I said, ‘You got a heart murmur. Be careful.’”

•••

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Eagle’s Nest, NSW, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning, Ma’am,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said Myra brusquely. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money.” And she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty,” he commanded. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

Myra stepped back and said with a smile, “Well, let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

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Written by Leon Della Bosca

Leon Della Bosca has worked in publishing and media in one form or another for around 25 years. He's a voracious reader, word spinner and art, writing, design, painting, drawing, travel and photography enthusiast. You'll often find him roaming through galleries or exploring the streets of his beloved Melbourne and surrounding suburbs, sketchpad or notebook in hand, smiling.
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