Aussies are famous for throwing themselves – and their mates – under the bus when it comes to deprecating humour, so this week we thought we’d have a crack at ourselves and some of our Kiwi ‘bros’ from across the sea.
An Aussie and a Kiwi are having a beer on the deck one afternoon. After a while the Aussie asks the Kiwi: “If I snuck over to your house while you were at work, made passionate love to your wife and she had a baby, would that make us related?”
The Kiwi considers that for a moment, then replies: “Well, I’m not sure about related, but it would definitely make us even!”
Q. How does every Australian start a joke?
A. By looking over their shoulder.
Three Kiwis and three Aussies were travelling on a train to a conference. At the station the Kiwis each bought a ticket and watched as the Aussies bought just one ticket between the three of them.
“How will you all travel on the train with just one ticket?” asked one of the Kiwis.
“Watch and learn,” answered the Aussies.
The three Kiwis each took a seat on the train and watched as the three Aussies all crammed into a toilet cubicle and closed the door. The Kiwis assumed the Aussies to be mad, but shortly after the train left the station the conductor came to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said: “Ticket, please.”
The door opened a tiny crack and a single hand emerged holding the ticket. The conductor took the ticket and moved on.
The Kiwis, believing the Aussie trick to be a clever one, purchased only one ticket between them for the return journey. To their astonishment the Aussies bought none!
“How will you travel on the train without a ticket?” asked one Kiwi.
“Watch and learn,” the Aussies replied.
When they boarded the train, the three Kiwis crammed into a toilet and the three Aussies squished into a cubicle beside them.
The train departed the station and, shortly after, one of the Aussies left the toilet and knocked on the door of the toilet full of Kiwis and said: “Ticket, please!”
A British man took a flight to Australia. At customs, the official asked him: “Do you have a criminal record?”
To which he replied: “Oh! I didn’t think we needed those to get in any more!”
A woman showed an Aussie builder around her home and told him what colour she wanted each room to be painted.
“This one will be a light blue,” she said in the first room.
The builder nodded, walked to the front door and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!”
He went back inside the house and followed her to the next room.
“I want this one to be painted yellow,” she instructed.
The builder nodded, went to the front door and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!”
He went back inside the house and the owner told him that the next room was to be painted red.
Again, he nodded, went to the front door and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!”
When he came back inside the next time, the owner asked him: “I keep telling you what colour to paint the rooms and you keep going to the front door and yelling ‘Green side up!’ What does that mean?”
The builder replied, “Oh, I have a couple of Kiwis laying turf in the front yard!”