A jockey is about to enter a hurdle event on a new horse. The trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.
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At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!”
•••
Never mess with an old bloke
I am an old man. I was sick and in hospital. There was one nurse who just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me as if I was a child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?”
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside table. Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went.
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.
“My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”
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At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.”
The nurse fainted.
•••
The hearing aid
An elderly gentleman had had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to have him fitted for a hearing aid that allowed him to hear perfectly.
The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor a month later. The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
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