Sexting – how far should she go?

Q. Marie

I’ve been lucky enough to meet a very charming man through an online dating site. We’ve had a couple of dates and I feel very comfortable in his company. Because we live some distance apart, we don’t get to see each other as much as I would like and therefore have been unable to develop a more intimate relationship. He has suggested that we sext each other as a way of getting to know what the other likes. I always thought this was something young people do and although I’m not against this idea, I am a little unsure of what’s involved and how far I should go. Do you have any suggestions?

A. Marie, sexting can be fun, exciting and help you develop a relationship with someone to whom you’re attracted. It’s the new phone sex for people who can’t get together regularly. Because you and the new person in your life live a fair distance from each, using texts to keep in touch is an excellent way of communicating.  However, if you’re considering taking your texting communication to the next level and engaging in sexting, there are a few things you should think about first. 

You need to be sure that you really are comfortable with this form of communication and that you trust the other person to keep your texts for his eyes only. Start by setting some ground rules. I would suggest the following: 

  • Don’t send photos unless you don’t mind if they fall into someone else’s hands.
  • Agree that what you text is not a commitment to carry out the act. It’s easy to get carried away when you’re not face-to-face.
  • If the content of the text gets too much, or heads in a direction you’re uncomfortable with, say so.

Texting allows you to carefully formulate your messages and replies rather than just blurting out something on the phone.  We’ve all had that experience of responding to someone with a cringe-worthy reply that we would like to retract as soon as it leaves our mouths!  With the luxury of time to formulate a reply, we have the opportunity to devise a witty/charming/seductive response!  However, this may mean that the person you are texting is not so good at communicating when face-to-face.

It’s also worth keeping in mind that every text message or email we send leaves a technological footprint that can come back to haunt you down the track. A good rule of thumb to judge the appropriateness of your sext is to consider if it is something that you would be comfortable saying out loud. If not you may want to reconsider sending as a text.  Also, always check what you have written; the autocorrect feature can cause any number of unfortunate messages.  And always check you are sending your sext to the correct person; imagine your mother or child receiving your sext in error!

Just as in the real world, in the technological world it is important to use your manners!  Try to reply to the sexts you are sent in a timely manner. If one of your sexts receives no response it may be that your friend is uncomfortable.  And as you would expect from your partner, keep your sexts to yourself; don’t show your friends or get them to help you write them.

Sexting is a great way to keep the spark in your relationship and remind your partner that you are always thinking of him. Sex is not just for the young, so never let age get in the way of romance and intimacy. Keep in mind these simple suggestions and just go for it!

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IMO you need to know a person for quite a long time b4 you would get into an intimate relationship.  I also think that a relationship is between the 2 people.

However I tend to be a bit old fashioned in this sort of thing

Yeah!

Go for it if you do not mind taking the risk of having your body spread on the internet or should I say entertainmentnet, porn or a feature of a Senior's calendar

Just try some good old fashioned 'thoughties' - the world does not have to see them and there is no record of them.

I found it rather off putting and rude when a friend I knew from years ago came back into my life and started doing it. I asked him to stop but he wouldn't. It was a shame as he was a nice guy but I found it rather demeaning at my age. Why not say compliments to the person by text and plan outings etc and get to know them. What ever happen to romance first ? How would you feel if your children or friends saw it on your phone. It is there forever but only do it if you like it not because you want to please him.

Go for it girl...if you've got the inclination then keep it alive by sexting. "absense makes the heart..." and all that. just be careful how far you go with it as once written its forever.

 

Thanks Michael.  gosh am I dumb:)

It never occurred to me that you might have been poking fun.  You asked a question so I tried to answer.  Perhaps I could have said my qualifications come mainly from the school of hard knocks.  When I was successful in gaining the consultancy contract for the government position it included a three months post graduate course and during a session run by the director I posed the same question.  He replied that I had shown that I could see the whole picture, research and analyse the problem and see a solution whereas some of the others could not see outside of the square, despite their qualifications.

I must say I was choughed at that remark.  It showed that kid brought up in an orphanage, without support was able to gain an education and respect of others.

Not that I will argue I am unique because over the years I have got to know many others who despite their start in life haveen able to achieve things.. A few I know could barely read or write but did that stop them, No!

I believe success is taking the initiative and the first step towards the objective and I believe that attitude covers many people in Australia, particularly of my generation and I am proud of that heritage.  Sadly, I have to say that many of the younger generation seem to have lost or never developed that trait.  Why?  Are we as parents responsible, having faced adversity, believe we did not want our children to go through the same thing?  Perhaps it is through adversity we learn to fight and not give up.  Conquering adversity helps us to become the person you are today.

I was interviewed by a solicitor for the orphanage representatives as to how the physical abuse I received had effected my life.

I looked him and replied how ca I answer that question.  I am the person that grew out of that treatment and never giving  up.  Whether I would have been better had I had a softer upbrining I will never know.  Yes there is no doubt it let an imprint.  Until I met my wife I had difficulty with anyone coming too close or trying to give me a hug, or trusting people and so on.  I had built a fence around me to keep people at a distance.

Yes there is no doubt it did have an impact but despite that I married a wonderful girl and we had 38 years of a wonderful marriage until her passing; with 5 natural born children and others who became sons and daughterss in an extended family.  We called them "Sons and Daughters of the Heart" 

 

Professori_au

Teenagers have been warned on various areas including Sexting  leading to Cyber bullying. I guess in some things they are leading the way and as Seniors we can learn from their experiences. Maybe it works for some but does not appeal to me.

You could download Skype and talk to each other face to eeeerrr face in real time over a microphone web cam.

I use it talking to relations in UK.

Very very cheap.

Personally i wouldn't do it but if you are considering it remember a few things

1 - photos could end up anywhere - some phones upload photos automatically to storage on the internet and facebook is soon to offer a service whereby photos are automatically uploaded - could photos be accidently uploaded to his or your facebook pages for everyone to see?

2 - phones get lost and stolen - if you or he keeps the messages on the phone who could see them? What could be done with them?  

3 - two dates is not enough to really know his character, or him yours. Start slowly, speak up if you are embarrassed at what is being sent and seriously consider each text before you send it - if you would be horrified at someone other than him reading it, consider rewording it.

4 -  don't do anything you are uncomfortable with. Look after yourself first.

The primary thing to consider.....Don't put anything in writing or pics that you wouldn't want other people of any age to see. This is my golden rule and it works for me.

I reconnected with a man from my past (48 years on) I was a very timid 63 year old but he convinced me we are adults he is in another country we have had a very loving relationship for the past 3 years and it will go on for the rest of our lives now he sends me sexts in poetry form and I reply to them I have never stopped smiling since the first one he sent these have been the happiest days of my life.

You have a happy relationship and we are pleased for the both of you ..........however and without wanting to sound as though this is a put down some men in particular will con a trusting lady and ask for money

Did you by chance read the post in these columns about the lady diddled out of a substantial amount

 

We have never exchanged anything he pays my way I have no money or property. Think you missed the point we knew each other from 1965 I thought he had died he couldn't find me as I said we reconnected  I have seen lots of cases where women have been tricked though but in this case my husband tricked me then he died leaving me with nothing so there's nothing for this man to get He gives me pleasure and love every day with our sexts

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