A Buddhist monk strode into a Zen pizza parlour and said, "Make me one with everything." When he got his order, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill, which the guy pocketed. "Hey," asked the monk, "where's my change?" "Change," replied the owner inscrutably, "must come from within."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
an was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks. Teacher: What are your son’s names? Lady: This boy’s name is Leroy, this other boy’s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son’s name. Teacher: Isn’t it confusing having all three boy’s named the same? Lady: Oh no, you see when it’s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it’s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for dinner and they all come a runnin. Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy? Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua.P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
ROFL Bijou, good one!
love that one, reminds me of my son, its the kind of thing he would have done, if he had to,
Satan goes to church
It was a beautiful summer Sunday in a small southern church, songs had been sung, and the preacher was about to begin his sermon. There was suddenly a loud boom of thunder, and in a bright flash and smell of burning brimstone, Satan appeared at the pulpit. It terrified the congregation, and they began flooding from every door and window. All except one old man on the second row. He sat quietly reading the church bulletin.
Satan pondered, this man must be deaf and blind, or surely he would have departed in terror. Satan asks, "Can you see me?" " Yes, of course" replied the old man, still casually reading. "Do you know who I am?" asks Satan. "Certainly" said the man, not even bothering to look up. This angered Satan greatly. "Do you not realize that with the utterance of a single word, I can take your life and condemn you to an eternity in hell?" "Sure" replied old gentleman, now appearing to be a bit bored, but still not looking up from his reading. Satan, now bewildered, asks "If you know who I am, and what I can do to you, why are you not terrified like the rest?" For the first time the old man looked up at Satan and replied "Because I was married to your sister for fifty years, and I figured you were here to get away from her."
Three Men Of God
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days
"OPTIMISM IS GOING AFTER MOBY DICK IN A ROW BOAT, CHUTZPAH IS TAKING THE TARTARE SAUCE WITH YOU."
Wow, that's brilliant. Must have taken ages to set up.