The Little Book of Aussie Bush Etiquette
Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
In General: 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral. Eating Out: 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. Entertaining at Home: 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. Personal Hygiene: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery. Theatre/Cinema Etiquette: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. Weddings: 1. Livestock or a slab is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean footy jumper can create a tacky appearance. 3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. Driving Etiquette: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight. 2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
LOL, I like it!
I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'
When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?” The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”
Two politicians go out to lunch together. In the middle of lunch one of them jumps up and says, “Bugger. I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.”
The other politician replies “No worries. We’re both here.”
An Aussie said, “Take away your snow capped mountains, culture, and good food, and what would New Zealand be?” The kiwi answered, “Australia”.
One day a lady took a dingo to the veterinarian. The doctor looked at the dingo and shook his head. “I’m sorry, your dingo is dead,” said the doctor. “How could you be so sure?” the lady said. So the man left the room and came back with a Labrador retriever. It stood up on its hind legs and sniffed the dingo and shook its head. The doctor left the room again and came back with a cat. The cat also sniffed the dingo and shook its head. The doctor said that the dingo was 100% dead. With the lady still in shock, the doctor handed the bill to the lady. “$400? Why $400?” The doctor replied, “If you had believed me first, it would have been $60.” “But why still?” the lady insisted. To which the doctor said, “Because you had a lab report and a cat scan!”
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”
Hahaha, good one fellas
This one is for old fart loathesome lottie:
A family brings their elderly father to a nursing home. While sitting in his new room, he slowly starts to lean over sideways in his chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten him up. After a while, he starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put him upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" He replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you fart."
Thank you all for the laughs!
Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96-year-old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, “Was I getting in the tub or out?” “You dern fool,” said the 94-year-old. “I’ll come up and see.” When she got half way up the stairs she paused. “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92-year-old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, “I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She shook her head and called out, “I’ll be up to help you both as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he' d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Dave thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!'
The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.' He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, 'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'.
Well..I think they're funny!
So do I Sophie, LOL