"Sharing" Christmas with in-laws + Etiquette.
This becomes an issue in larger families as children marry off, gain in-laws all with their own traditions and expectations for Christmas celebrations.
Lots of give and take needed to make sure everyone gets a look in and nobody can expect to get just what they want as too many extended families to be considered. Siblings want to spend at least one meal together but there are also all the in-laws to be considered too. It can become a nightmare in negotiating.
An early Christmas celebration and then a cruise away for Christmas becomes more and more appealing.
How do others manage as families extend?
In my opinion if family relationships are based on love, mutual respect, honesty and freedom
.....not guilt, obligation and entitlement
...... then there is not a problem.
It is not within a family that I am talking about but between in-laws, mainly mothers & mother-in--laws (the men seem more adaptable) that family dynamics have changed and that married sons/daughters have to accomadation their new spouses families as well. Change is going to happen and amicable sharing of Xmas meal highlights is going to happen regardless of family traditions.
My daughters father in law DEMANDS a happy family environment yet does nothing to foster that. He wants his (and my) grandchildren to show him love and affection but shows them little in return. He insisted on providing lunch on Cristmas day and a small group of family and friends felt obligated to attend - it was boring, uncomfortable, awkward and the food was quite ordinary. Not the best Christmas I have ever spent, that is for sure.
It is curious that so many of us are placed in a situation where we feel obliged to show courtesy and respect to family or in-laws who dont reciprocate.
Is that like forcing people to stand for the national anthem?
I would never force my children to show unfelt affection to someone who chose not to give it back. We are obliged to be courtious I guess, but respect is not something I just give away.
We always have open house when we have Christmas or New Years at home, one simple rule, no offensive behaviour or language. We have no rules about what can be discussed but demand that we have discussions not arguements. My whole family was bought up in a household that encouraged open debate and free expresion, yes we could debate with our parents but heaven help us if we were rude or illinformed. Thankfully our extended family has much the same views so are gatherings are normally rowdy but entertaining.
No-one in my extended family is a problem. They are all sensible, well-educated, flexible, tolerant people. But I can't imagine having polite and intelligent Christmas repartee with some here, so I do understand the issue.
Have had a really love really hate relationship with Christmas for decades.....Nothing perfect about the family I come from - very human, very flawed so no surprise there's always a certain level of tension and stress in striving to live up to the myth of Xmas family harmony and perfection....
Hence I've opted to retain some Xmas traditions, and keep gift giving to the barest minimum ..still not perfect but few things are ....but in the overall scheme of things there's much to be grateful for....
No easy answers from me in relation to negotiating and navigating the politics of any sort of family combination at Xmas...however a suggestion might be to go on a drunken bender on Xmas eve and spend Xmas day sleeping it off, arising on boxing day well rested and at peace with yourself knowing you haven't abused those you have no choice in being related to by whichever means it came about ie. Biology or marriage..
However can well understand people bypassing the celebration completely ...happy new year folks .
Ha ha, got a laugh from your suggestion Shetso :). Happy new year to you too.
I have a great family. We love and respect each other and Christmas although noisy was fantastic. Can imagine though some people's angst during that period, all their nasty pent up emotions come to the fore and they let fly and blame it on the in laws. What a bummer.
When our kids were growing up we spent Xmas eve with my husband's family and Xmas day with my family. Easy peasy! Later when we moved to the country we usually went to Sydney for Xmas to continue the tradition. We never brought the two sets of parents together at our place because they were like chalk and cheese and would not have been comfortable. Nowadays we have the whole family come to stay for several days/nights and we all get on well. If there are any little fights or flare ups that's ok because we are all tolerant of allowing the whole scope of emotion to exist in the family and no-one carries grudges. We have been fortunate in that our children's partners fit like a glove in our family. Sometimes we have an early Xmas if family members are going elsewhere for actual Xmas which often happens because in-law families live overseas. We organise a slot of time we can all get together in December and make that our Christmas and then whoever is around over the real Christmas period still gets together so we have 2 Christmases.
For those who have happy, normal, well adjusted friends and in-laws, you are blessed. I too have many such friends and relatives, but then there are the OTHERS. Christmas is a time when people of good heart try to stand up, make everyone welcome and "do the right thing". Unfortunately, the OTHERS often take advantage of this and spoil Christmas for the rest. Some of us are simply more fortunate in this regard than others.
Unfortunatley whilst one can choose their friends, you can't choose your relatives. But you can hold them to a certain standard of behaviour while they are in your house.
I aplaud kfchugo for trying to uphold the spirit of brotherhood, I wish I had the patience and the resolve to do the same, but I will not do so at the expense of those who I really care for. I guess I just turned into one of those cranky old so and sos'.
Sometimes (for the sake of sanity and peace) when you have a "toxic" member of a family it is best to stay right away exPS; not only at Christmas.
Been there, done that Radish"F".
Actually, while my extended family now is terrific, when I think back a generation to my dad and his brother in full flight, things WERE different.
Dad always felt the need to tell everyone that the Liberal Party was faultless, and all unions were evil. Anyone in the family who was a member of a union was a red-ragger commie.
His brother's obsession was his church and his Masonic lodge. We heard a lot about both. Those among us who weren't good Protestants were doomed.
Those were interesting times.
In my home Christmas is all about the kids so, if the adults want to knock each other's blocks off that's up to them, but take it out into the garden please..entertain the neighbours..
I can't be bothered sorting it out, we have a couple of hotheads who think they know it all but fortunately they are only 10 and 12..
But two "requests" .No religious squabbles, and definitely no politics..as that would turn into a free for all with the turkey flying across the room...
As it was, Our Christmas was fantastic, and the laughter and frivolity far outweighed the few spats over who was getting the last of the crackling...
Happy New Year folks..And see you next year..:)
...well - thank goodness Viv. this does not apply to me! Not yet - anyway! :-)
However - as some of my dear friends are finally recovering from Xmas Day/Boxing Day - I am starting to get phone calls and the "feed-back" from everyone - (and I mean - everyone) is not good! :-(
So far - there have been "incidents" - shall we say - at all of the Xmas Day celebrations that people all worked so very hard to make "happen" - and hopefully tried to make a pleasant/happy day for all involved!
Didn't happen for my friends! :-( .................. and I'm guessing plenty of other families also!
I really think it's a shame that adults/adult children can't be nice (and "behave" - lol) for 6-8 hours on one day .......?