There was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out safely, but one person died. Well, needless to say, the driver went to court over this incident. He was found guilty and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this, of course, meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so, he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.”
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped into the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”
•••
John Parry is late for an important meeting.
But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray.
“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
“Never mind. Found one!”
•••
A man broke into a house one night. His goal was to take something small and valuable.
While he was searching through the stuff, he heard a small voice: “Jesus is watching you.”
He stopped for a moment and said to himself, “This must be a voice from my old Sunday school.”
So he continued searching, but about five minutes later he heard the voice again.
“Jesus is watching you.”
He turned his flashlight in the direction of the voice, and he saw a parrot. He asked the parrot, “What is your name?”
The parrot replied “Moses.”
The robber then said, “What kind of silly people would name their parrot Moses?”
The parrot looked up and said, “The same people who named the Pit Bull Jesus!”
•••
A nun stands on the sidewalk one evening trying to hail down a taxi.
A taxi finally pulls over to pick her up. As they pull away the driver asks, “Where you want to go, sister?”
“Back to the convent on St. Mary Street,” the nun replies.
So they continue on their destination and the taxi driver can’t help but notice how pretty she looked. He says, “you know, sister, one of my lifetime fantasies was to kiss a nun.”
“Well, you know, although it would be going against the rules of the church, I could make your fantasy come true, but under a couple of conditions,” replied the nun.
Delighted, the taxi driver then asks, “and what would that be, sister?”
“Well, you must go to church and you can’t be married,” says the nun.
“Yes, I go to church and no, I’m not married,” he replies.
So they pull into a dark laneway where the taxi driver gives the nun a very passionate kiss.
After that, he says: “Wow, that was the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life! But, sister, I must confess: I don’t really go to church and I’m happily married with two beautiful children.”
The nun replies, “That’s okay, mister, because my name is Dean Pelton and I’m on my way to a costume party.”
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