Confusion reigns in this week’s best collection of jokes.
After 10 years, a woman starts to think her child looks strange. Therefore, she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What is it?
Wife: According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid!
Husband: Well, don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said, ‘Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.’ So, I went inside, left the dirty one there and got a clean one.
Two nuns were coming back from a day of missionary work. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It started to get dark and they were still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
The priest asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said: "Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
(Muffled gasps came from the pews as the men in the congregation imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
(Again, the men in the congregation cringe and squirm uncomfortably.)
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
(All the men sigh with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife – the word is sternum."
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