Friday Funnies: Saddle up for some unbridled laughs

With the Melbourne Cup just around the corner, we bring you our best equestrian gags.

Friday Funnies: Unbridled laughter

A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?”

The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?”

The horse sniggers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

•••

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, ‘Talking Horse for Sale.’ Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.

“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in Canada and helped keep the city clean, then I raced in Melbourne for a number of years winning numerous Group One races. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

•••

Q: You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do?

A: Get off the merry-go-round and sober up.

•••

An outlaw rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The outlaw swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the outlaw bellows to the terrified crowd, “and if my horse ain’t back where I left him when I’m done, I’ll do here what I had to do in Houston.”

The locals murmur uneasily as the outlaw sips his drink. Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned. As the outlaw saddles up, a local can’t help but ask, “mister, what exactly was it you had to do in Houston?”

The outlaw narrows his eyes and hisses at the man, “I had to walk home.”

•••

Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”

“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.

“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”

The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”

A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you run faster!”

The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”

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