Paraprosdokians were apparently a Winston Churchill favourite, but what the heck are they?
According to Macquarie Dictionary, a paraprosdokian is: A figure of speech in which the latter part of an idiom, proverb, or well-known expression or formula of words is altered to make an unexpected and humorous ending.
Well they were humorous enough to get Winston giggling, so they must be funny.
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with “Good evening”, then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted payslips.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘Emergency contact’, I put ‘doctor’.
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive unless you want to do it again.
18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
20. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
22. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
25. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.
26. If you would like to have a million dollars, then start with two million.
27. During World War II, Sir Winston Churchill’s address to congress began with:
“It has often been said that Britain and America are two nations divided only by a common language.”
An the finale:
28. I am supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.