A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier looked at the note, smiled and said, “That’s it.”
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom. The other three start talking about how successful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car-dealership and just gave his best friend a Porsche.
Guy 2: That’s nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet.
Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle!
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other three guys and says: What are we talking about?
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are.
Guy 4: Well, my son is a stripper.
Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he’s done with his life?
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Porsche, a jet and a castle from his three boyfriends!
A man bought a new Ferrari and took it out for a spin. He decided to see what it could do and pushed it to 150km/h. When he saw the red and blue lights of a police car in his rear-vision mirror he pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.
“I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!”
“Last week, my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Off you go,” said the officer.
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground and stops breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”