Friday Funnies from the heart

What’s the best treatment to maintain a healthy heart? We reckon laughter can work wonders. Enjoy today’s line-up of jokes – just don’t fall off your chair laughing!

Cardiologist’s funeral
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers.

When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”

“I was thinking about my own funeral,” the man replied.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“I’m a gynecologist.”

Read more: Wedding confusion

From the heart
Managed to get rid of my mean boss yesterday after he had a heart attack in the office. If he had allowed personal calls on company time, I would have called an ambulance.

Read more: Don’t drink the holy water

Sex after heart surgery
An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours’ sleep a night.

“What about my sex life?” asked the man. “Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?”

“Of course, but only with your wife,” said the doctor. “We don’t want you to get too excited.”

Out of the mouth of babes
The kindergarten class was asked to find out about something exciting and tell it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually it was his turn.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him what that was.

“It’s a period,” replied Johnny.

“Well I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” said Johnny. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

Read more: How times change: 1950 v 2018

An ill-wind
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a woman that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart”.

Poker faced
Mr Jones was playing golf and died of a heart attack. Nobody wanted to tell Mrs Jones. One of his friends had an idea and told her that Mr Jones had lost $5000 playing poker. Mrs Jones said he probably dropped dead. “Funny you should mention that,” said his friend.

Written by Janelle Ward

Energetic and skilled editor and writer with expert knowledge of retirement, retirement income, superannuation and retirement planning.

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