A woman shoots her husband for stepping on the clean floor. A police officer arrives on the scene and phones the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
Teacher: Give me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student: I is the …
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.
Student: Okay! I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Late one night, a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.
“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.”
“How does it work?”
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “Hey idiot! It’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”
A little girl was saying her prayers one night. “Dear lord I pray for mummy and daddy, but grandma’s going to die.” Her dad overheard this from the next room and thought it very odd, but he went on with his business. The next day, he got a call that the grandmother had died.
He was deeply troubled by this, so the next night he listened in on his daughter’s prayers: “Dear lord, I pray for mummy and daddy but aunt Jenny’s going to die.” The dad called up aunt Jenny but she didn’t pick up. The next day, he found out that she had also died.
The very disturbed dad listened to his daughter pray again that night. “Dear lord, I pray for mommy but daddy’s going to die.”
He was now utterly terrified. The next day at work, he was paranoid of everything around him and avoided doing anything that might cause harm.
The exhausted dad gets home and tells his wife: “oh, honey, I had the worst day”.
She replies, “You think you had a bad day, today, the mailman dropped dead in the living room.”
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’
The old man was so moved that he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did that come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’