Side-splitting simian jokes

two chimpanzees grinning

Let’s face it, monkeys are funny. They have a way about them that just brings on the laughs. So here’s a duo of side-splitting simian jokes.


A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey’s human family, “Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves.”

“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the family.

“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the vet.

All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was dissatisfied and asked, “Why the difference in price between male and female brains?”

“Standard pricing practice,” said the vet. “The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!”


A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a monkey came out of the bush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and  nodded his head.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey nodded his head.

“Well, did you see this?”

The monkey nodded.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

The monkey nodded.

“What else?” asked the officer.

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

“They were smoking marijuana too?” said the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

“What else?” queried the officer.

The monkey motioned with his fingers.

“Having sex! They were having sex, too!?” asked the astounded officer.

“Yes,” nodded the monkey.

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they crashed?”

“Yes,” the monkey nodded.

“What were you doing during all this?” asked the officer.

“Driving,” motioned the monkey.

Written by Leon Della Bosca

Publisher of YourLifeChoices – Australia's most-trusted and longest-running retirement website. A trusted voice on Australia's retirement landscape, including retirement income and planning, government entitlements, lifestyle and news and information relevant to Australians over 50. Leon has worked in publishing for more than 25 years and is also a travel writer and editor, graphic designer and photographer.

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