Liv’s all-time favourite Funnies

This week we look back into the archives to find the funniest, most knee-slap worthy jokes to have ever made their way into Friday Funnies.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises, he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Don’t give the Melbourne weather a hard time.
If it didn’t change six times a day, most Melburnians couldn’t start a conversation.

A man went to his doctor for a check-up, “Doctor, doctor! I think there’s something wrong with me! Every time I take a sip of coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye.”
“I see,” replied the doctor. “Have you tried taking the spoon out?”

Read more: Friday Funnies gets a little silly

A man was walking through a magical forest when a gnome appeared before him.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you will be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world!” declared the gnome.
The man considered this, but proceeded through the forest, watching his step carefully. He was nearly clear of the forest when a beautiful woman appeared in front of him and announced, “We have to get married.”
“What, why?” asked the man.
“I stood on one of those pesky mushrooms!” she replied.

A man and woman are on their first date.
“So, what do you do?” asks the woman.
“I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers,” replies the man.
“Oh wow, that’s really impressive.”
“Then I’ll move on to the Virgos.”

What should you do if your wife starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.

A woman is in bed with her lover when they hear her husband opening the apartment door.
“Quick! Escape out the window!” said the woman.
“No way!” said the lover, “It’s the 13th floor!”
“Do you really think we have time to worry about superstitions?!” she replied.

Read more: Friday Funnies: Dad jokes  

A man goes ice fishing for the first time. He walks out onto the ice and hears a booming voice proclaim, “There are no fish under the ice.”
He ignores the voice and proceeds to cut a hole in the ice and throw his line in.
Again, he hears the booming voice, “There are no fish under the ice!”
The man looks up and nervously asks, “God?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”

A man sprints into a pub. Panting he says, “Give me 10 shots of your best whiskey!”
The bartender lines up 10 shot glasses on the bar and starts pouring.
“QUICK!” shouts the man. The bartender hurriedly pours the last shot and the man downs each one at lightning speed.
“Why are you drinking so fast?” asks the bartender.
“You’d drink fast too if you have what I have,” replies the man.
“What have you got?” the bartender asks.
“50 cents!” says the man.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Read more: Friday Funnies goes to work

I scared my postman today when I showed up to the door completely naked.
I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

“Mummy, mummy! Why am I running in circles?”
“Shut up, Johnny, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.”

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

A limbo champion walks into a bar
They are disqualified.

Do you agree that these are our best funnies to date? Which are your favourites? Share them in the comment section below.

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Liv Gardiner
Liv Gardiner
Writer and editor with interests in travel, lifestyle, health, wellbeing, astrology and the enivornment.
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