Sure, it was Australia Day last week, but we think our humour is good enough to be celebrated every day. Need proof? Just check out these amazing Aussie jokes …
Bruce’s grandfather goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.
“Can I have six tablets, cut in quarters? he asked”
“I can cut them for you,” said the chemist. “But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.”
“I am 96-years-old,” said the old man. “I don’t want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t pee on my slippers.”
Lawyers should never ask an old grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial in a small outback town the prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman who had lived in the town all her life, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know the defence lawyer?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a big drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your missus, and one your daughter. Yes, I know him alright.”
The prosecutor nearly died.
The judge asked both prosecutor and defence lawyer to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said:
“If either of you two bloody idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send the both of you to the electric chair.”
Scientists at Air New Zealand built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
Australian engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new Qantas A380 aircraft. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the Australian engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Aussies sent Air New Zealand the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the Kiwi scientists for suggestions.
Air New Zealand responded with a one-line memo: “Defrost the chicken …”